Nadia Charlotte - 1 Year Old!!

I usually say, “I can't believe this child is getting so old! Where did the time go?” For the first few months of Nadia's life I did feel this way, but overall this year has seemed long, and actually it's hard to believe it was only a year ago that I held Nadia for the first time. Surely she has been part of our family for more than a year.

Isn't it amazing how you first look into that tiny baby's scrunchy red face and have no idea yet what they will become? Of course at one year, Nadia has quite a ways to go in her “becoming.” I still have a hard time figuring out her personality, partly because Juliana has always been so strongly extroverted and Adalyn has been so much calmer/quieter in comparison. Nadia is somewhere in the middle. Despite her overwhelming mama preference at the moment, I think she tends toward extroversion. She is easily bored on her own and quite happy in a crowded room full of older kids. She likes smiling and waving at others from the comfort of mama's arms.

It has also been harder to figure Nadia out because she has been sick so much. Twelve times in her first twelve months. Whenever she is sick she is understandably fussy, and by the time she is well I am often sick, which makes her fussy too. So it's hard to figure out how much is her temperament and how much is related to sickness. Either way, I am hoping toddlerhood will be easier and healthier.

When she is happy she is very, very happy, and when she is mad she screams very, very loudly. She can go from content to distraught in two seconds (generally when mama hands her off) and back again (when she gets mama back). She doesn't talk as much as the other girls, but she makes herself known.

All the girls have gone through a glued-to-mama phase around this age, but Nadia wishes she could get her hands on some super glue. She generally does okay with Kevin if I'm not there, but if I am in sight she wants me. She is so excited when I come home. Heck, she is so excited when I come out of the bathroom, if she wasn't already in there with me to begin with. She can be with Kevin six inches away from me and still wail because she is not WITH me. She needs to be able to smush her little body into mine.  When I hold her she clings to me and pats my back.  It is sweet and exhausting.

Undeniably one of my favorite things about Nadia is her chubby, chubby cheeks. And her chubby, chubby thighs. And chin. Pretty much all of her roly-poly self begs for kisses. Many people comment on her bright blue eyes, even westerners. A lot of people we see say she looks like me, but I'm not sure how much of that is because they see us together.

It's funny to think that she was so small when she was born. She dropped down to 5lb 11oz in the week after birth and the doctor was concerned she wasn't gaining enough. Apparently she took his concerns to heart because she shot right up the growth chart afterwards. She is currently 23 pounds or 90^th percentile. She does love to nurse, all day and all night, although lately it resembles more of an acrobatic check-in. She also loves to eat. She eats pretty much what we do now and will try almost anything offered. Her favorite is probably crackers - although after today cake might a close runner up!

Speaking of her sisters, Nadia sure loves to be one of the pack. She likes to sit with them as they play Little People or My Little Ponies, quietly sneaking away their toys to chew on. Mostly she loves her sisters, although sometimes she loses patience when they love her a little too aggressively. When they come home she is always excited to see them, and she gets big smiles when it's time for night-night hugs. “Ni-ni” seems to be her first specific word, that's how much she enjoys the ritual.

For a while Nadia was surprisingly quiet, perhaps because she couldn't get a word in edgewise. Now she is babbling a good deal and will imitate some words, though she only seems to specifically say night-night and mama right now.

And you know about the sleep struggles. I guess it's improved some since the summer. She is not always waking up every 1-2 hours; sometimes she sleeps for several hours at a time. Sometimes she doesn't. Usually she sleeps from 7:30/8pm to 6:30/7am with 3-4 breaks in the middle. She naps twice a day, usually for 45 minutes, sometimes longer. Any progress has been slow and inevitably stopped by her getting sick, so what are you going to do? I'm holding out hope that we can make something stick in the second year.

Nadia can take a few steps on her own but isn't too interested in walking further right now. She has perfected the wave and lights delighting passersby by waving frantically at them. She claps and bangs and yells with the best of them. She just had her first try at a baby swing, which is a big hit. She has learned to climb up the little slide at our house and loves sliding down.

We'll see what the second year holds. Hopefully a lot less sickness, a lot more sleep, and all the same chubby smiles!

On Not Sleeping and Keeping the Night Watch

 I heard once that babies could sleep through the night from a few months old, and before I had babies I thought that meant babies did sleep through the night from a few months old. I also was under the impression that once babies started sleeping obviously they kept sleeping, and that surely no preschooler/kindergartener/elementary school child would still have trouble waking up during the night.

Let us pause to laugh at my naivety.

Enter Juliana. That child did not sleep. It was a struggle to get her to sleep every single time. She popped awake at the slightest provocation (like if you breathed too hard). She woke up a ridiculous number of times a night and thought 3am was a great time for a party. She wouldn't nap unless we held her. For like, forever. She first slept through the night at a year old, and that was very short lived. Soon we once again up with her for an hour or two every night. Around 18 months she finally started sleeping consistently.

Adalyn was our sleeper. I remember setting her down, patting her gently for 30 seconds, and she was out. At two months old she was routinely sleeping 6-7 hours at a time. She had her regressions, but overall everything just came easier to her. Let the record show it's not just me; I really did have one good sleeper.

When Nadia was born I had pretty realistic expectations. I also felt pretty confident that I wouldn't have another sleeper as bad as Juliana. That just wouldn't be fair, and everyone knows that life is fair.

Nadia started out like your average newborn. Around 3 months she even had a brief spell of 5 hour stretches. Then that 4 month sleep regression hit and she never got over it. For most of the past 5 months, she has been waking up every 2 hours. Sometimes she'll sleep for 3 hours (not recently) often for 1 hour (recently), but there hasn't been any improvement.

It's not that we haven't tried. By 4.5 months, when the whole regression thing didn't seem to be going anywhere, I pulled out my No Cry Sleep Solution book and started going through the various ideas. Nadia kept getting sick, and that didn't help our progress, but I thought surely if we kept working at it we'd see results. We finally got in a full month of working hard on sleep...and it had only gotten worse. I have tried co-sleeping. I like the idea a lot, but practically it hasn't worked well for us right now. Nadia is restless; I sleep fitfully and wake up with a sore back.

I was barely functional and starting to lose the will to live, so at 7+ months we decided to try “cry it out.” I was adamantly, ethically opposed to CIO when Juliana was a baby. I have mellowed on most of my stances since then, but I still don't like leaving a baby to cry. I think there is a reason it feels so unnatural. But I felt like it was the right decision at the time, as what was going on obviously wasn't working.

I still nursed Nadia once a night, but the other times Kevin went in to her. I wasn't even expecting her to sleep through the night – I was just hoping to get to something more workable. But after more than two weeks, Nadia was still either waking up frequently or having a long crying spell. I thought the point of CIO was that they cry and then they start sleeping and stop crying every night. That wasn't happening. As soon as we quit, Nadia went back to waking up every two hours.

So I quit trying. I'm out of plans, and even if I had plans, I'd be too tired to implement them. Do you know how hard it is to be disciplined and think clearly at 3am when you've already been woken up 2-3 times? I have stopped expecting it to get better because it doesn't. I nurse Nadia back to sleep because that's the easiest, and not nursing her back to sleep was hard and took a long time and didn't actually help.

For now, I will be tired. Fortunately I have long since forgotten what it's like to get decent sleep so I don't quite know what I'm missing, except a fair number of brain cells. But in the tiredness I have a choice. I can either be bitter and frustrated and complain all the time (which I do sometimes), or I can accept it. I can recognize that I have survived the past five months and I'll probably continue to survive.

A friend recently brought up an idea from a book she was reading about viewing these night wakings as “calls to worship.” (If anyone else said something all spiritual like this, I would not take it well, but this friend is a mom to five little ones and has had her fair share of poor sleepers. She hasn't just been there; she is there – and that makes all the difference.) What if being up all night with your baby is actually a form of worship? A keeping of the night watch?

It certainly isn't a natural response. It's easily a drudgery to get through, bleery eyed and barely awake. It's easy to resent the sleeping household (the whole world is sleeping except me!), to resent those other people with the babies who sleep (where did they get them??). It's easy to long for this stage to be over and for Sleeping Through the Night to commence. It requires refocusing every single time. Every hour or two, all night long.

But when I stop complaining, I realize this is an invitation to communion. In the quiet of the night, this is a holy place. I may not have a lot of brain function, but I can consciously turn my heart toward God. I can choose to worship, to meditate, to offer a sacrifice of praise. In the midst of physical exhaustion, I can believe that I will find rest for my soul. There remains a rest that only he can give. If I choose to receive it -- There is grace for the night, joy in the morning, and strength for the day.

Related Posts

• Office of the Night Watch: http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/night-watch-nursing

They say the church fathers gave us fixed-hour prayer, but now I know the church mothers marked sacred time long before these hours had names like lauds, sext, vespers, compline, matins, and the office of the night watch. Mamas have been keeping watch for as long as God has cooed and whimpered and shrieked through a baby’s tiny lungs every hour…every two hours…or, if you’re lucky, every three.

• Spiritual Practices with Newborns: http://www.motheringspirit.com/2014/06/spiritual-practices-with-newborns-a-new-series/

In those hazy hours before dawn, I think about the practices of caring for a baby. How simple, yet how laborious they can be. How feeding, diapering, and comforting a newborn fill every hour of every day...I’ve been thinking about how these simple acts can be spiritual practices.

• The Nightwatch: http://sarahbessey.com/the-nightwatch/

But then here it is: hiding in plain sight, an altar. I’m standing sentry and holding vigil for her. It feels like I have become the answer because I have no answers and so I am free to simply show up both during the night for the baby and even as I am now during the day. It feels like a holy act to lift one crying and cold baby up out of her darkness and hold her to my body, to still the cries of at least one soul.

Meditations for the Night Watch

Jesus Christ, Son of God,

Have mercy on me, a sinner.

Be still and know that I am God.

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.

.

You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

You will find rest for your soul.

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.

It's All the Hardest

I'm not gonna lie. Three kids is more work than two. Two kids is more work than one. And one kid is definitely more work than none. The laundry and the crying seem to multiply with each one added. The times when you only have one or two kids to deal with feel like a break. There are just so many people constantly demanding your time and energy and attention.

Nevertheless, after Nadia was born I just kept thinking, “I'm so glad she's not the first. This is so much easier.” Different people vary in their opinions of which transition is the hardest, probably depending on their particular children and circumstances at the time. For me, the first was definitely the hardest.

Nobody can really prepare you for what that transition will be like. Suddenly your moments are not your own. Your sleeping and waking and eating are dictated by another person. Such a small person who causes such big upheaval.

It's hard because the demands are so constant. Day and night, you never really get to clock out. It took a long time before I felt like there even was day and night as I had understood it before. You never before realized how much babies just want to be held. Like all the hours after 5pm. There are a lot of times when your options are hold (or wear) baby, or listen to baby cry inconsolably, which isn't so good for baby or the neighbors or mama's sanity. Any moments away from baby are planned around how long she will last until needing to nurse again.

And oh my goodness, the sleep! Never before had my life and thoughts so revolved around sleep, and I was getting so little of it. I spent frustrating hours every day trying to get Juliana to sleep. I would go to sleep at night stressed, thinking, “If I go to sleep quickly, maybe I can get in 2 hours before she wakes up!” I never knew if she would sleep for 3 hours or be awake in 10 minutes. Now Juliana was certainly a special child when it came to sleep. I don't know hardly any babies who slept quite as badly as she did. But even with a “normal” baby, sleep is highly disrupted, likely for many months. Just when you think you've really hit a groove, there's a growth spurt or sleep regression or dropping a nap or teething or sickness or just your typical Tuesday and suddenly everything is up in the air again.

It's hard because it's so unpredictable. Eventually babies do settle into a routine, and that helps. Except that the routine changes a lot. The whole first year is constant change, with each month different than the last. But even the days are unpredictable. One day baby will take an awesome nap and play contentedly for a really long time while you accomplish everything (or at least something) on your list. You have finally figured it out! The next day baby is fussy and wants to nurse or be held and sleeps fitfully and you wonder what in the world went wrong. (Nothing. It's just that it's Tuesday.)

Actually, I'm certain babies have legitimate reasons for the contentment and the fussiness, just like some days we feel so much better than other days. But you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out the reason. (When in doubt, blame teething. It lasts foooorever.) I spent a lot of energy and frustration trying to figure out why Juliana wouldn't sleep. I read so much about baby sleep and tried so many things and felt more and more frustrated. I was certain that if I found just the right combination she would sleep like all the other babies. It did eventually happen, although technically by that point she wasn't a baby anymore.

I wish I had stopped trying to figure it out. I still would have tried different things because we really needed more sleep, but I wouldn't have agonized over it. I wouldn't have blamed myself for her bad sleeping. I would have realized there is no One True Way. I still would have been exhausted, but I wouldn't have been so frustrated and so hard on myself. You know what, I did things pretty much the same way the second time with vastly different results. Some kids sleep better than others.

It's hard because of all the comparison. Why does someone else's baby sleep so much better than yours? Why do they sit so contentedly in their little seat for longer than 3 minutes? Why do they cry less? Because they are a different baby. Maybe they have an “easy” baby and yours is more “high needs.” Maybe they are doing things differently from you, and maybe some of those things help, but babies are just different. And some of those high needs babies turn into really driven, talented people who are going to change the world.

The bottom line is parenting is hard just because it's hard. It's not that you're doing it wrong – that's just the way it is. It's hard with the first and the second and the third.  In some ways, it only gets harder.  But it also gets easier because you expect it to be hard. You know every baby is different. You learn to laugh at those ridiculous Expert ideas that will never work in real life. You become your own kind of expert while also admitting you really have no idea what you are doing. You realize it goes by so quickly. So you take a deep breath and maybe count to ten, and then you jump back in.

Parenting

by Ruth

I was only partly joking when I told people my goal for the first year was just to keep the baby alive.  Before Juliana was born just the basics of baby care seemed daunting - nursing, sleeping, diaper changing, bathing.  Well...after a year of working with 2-year-olds I felt pretty confident about my diaper changing abilities, but the rest I had lots of questions about.  Toward the end of my pregnancy I realized that at some point I was actually going to have to raise this child too.  Discipline, get her to sleep on her own, teach her to share and not throw fits - you know, Parenting.  And I realized I really didn't know anything about that.

Two and a half months into things, I am glad to report that Juliana is not only alive, she seems to be doing well.  The basics are starting to become more natural.  She has gotten down the eating thing pretty well, evidenced by her nearly 5lb gain since birth.  I've gotten even faster at diaper changing...at least the times when she doesn't decide to poop all over me.  And I've decided if she doesn't get bathed quite as often as the books say, nobody's going to die.  I am surprised to realize that, while I still have no idea about things like discipline and sharing (and of course, she's too young for that anyway), I already have a little bit of a parenting style, which I decided it is characterized by several things.

1. Breastfeeding
 I always assumed I would breastfeed since that's what seemed "normal," but I never thought much about it.  But as of a few months ago, I have become a big proponent of breastfeeding.  Getting started certainly had its challenges, and I can't say it's completely been smooth sailing since then.  Sometimes it is difficult to schedule absolutely everything I do around, "When is the baby going to need to eat?"  It would be nice to not have to be the one getting up with the baby all night long.  But overall, I love the connection I feel to Juliana.  It helps me to feel like a good parent when I have a definite way to meet her needs and comfort her when she is upset.  And - the main reason I think it's so great - there are just so many benefits.

For example, I learned that a mother's milk changes to meet the baby's changing needs.  The consistency and fat content of the milk changes over the course of a feeding.  The milk also changes as the baby grows to meet its changing nutritional needs.  If your baby is born premature, your milk is even specially formulated for  them.  Pretty spectacular, huh? 

2. Co-sleeping
I didn't think I would want the baby sleeping with us.  After all, that's what the cute little bassinet and crib were for.  But after about the first week I started to notice a trend.  Cute little bassinet = 30 minutes sleep.  Snuggled up next to mommy = 1-2 hours sleep.  Baby sleeping = mommy sleeping.  Mommy sleeping = moderate sanity and functioning ability.  So cute little bassinet became a convenient storage for diaper supplies.

I was very concerned about safety, since co-sleeping seems so controversial.  Every time before I fell asleep I would think, "Is there anyway she could suffocate?  Is there anyway she could get smushed or fall of the bed?"  At first, I would wake up frantically looking around, trying to figure out where the baby was.  I would experience a few minutes of confused panic before realizing she was right beside me, still in my arms, just like when we fell into an exhausted sleep.  And I would do the typical new-parent "Is she breathing?" check.  With time, I discovered there was really no fear of rolling over on her or something, because I always woke up in exactly the same position as I fell asleep.  The baby was also swaddled tightly every night and couldn't really move if she wanted to.  I was also hyper aware of her.  I could be dead to the world but would wake up if she so much as squeaked.

We have now started working on getting her to sleep in her crib sometimes, realizing we won't always want her sleeping with us.  She now sleeps the first part of the night in the crib and then I bring her to bed with us for the rest of the night.  She would probably now be okay with sleeping more in her crib, but I still like sleeping with her.  When she is sleeping in her crib, I usually have a hard time going to sleep since I am listening to see if she will stir (and if she is too quiet, still sometimes wondering if she is breathing).   A sleeping baby cuddled up right next to me has a very sleep inducing affect, however.  I can see that she is right there and okay.  If she stirs I can just rock her gently, smooth her hair, or rub her nose (like a cat!) without having to move.

3. "Baby-wearing"
I think it's funny how all these age-old things have spiffy new terms now.  At least, I had never heard the term "baby wearing" until a few months ago.  Personally, I don't know how people get anything done without a sling or wrap.  Maybe they have babies who are actually okay with being set down once in a while.  Juliana has gotten better at being able to play on the floor or in her crib for a little bit, but she still loves to be held.  She will hardly ever take naps unless she is held - even if she appears to be sound asleep, she will wake up the moment you set her down.  So I find that a sling or wrap (or in my case, switching between the two) is very handy.  Two free hands, less stress on the back, and a happy baby.  The downside is feeling like you're still pregnant, but at least there's no heartburn.


4. The Happiest Baby on the Block
You already know that I love books, but I am usually pretty skeptical of anyone who claims to have the right method or the 7 steps to success in any area.  So I was a little surprised to find this book that I really love - the ideas in which have really worked for us!  The author believes that for the first few months, babies can't be spoiled and don't know how to manipulate yet.  You need to respond to their needs and let them know they can trust you.  They also find the outside world a little bit crazy and are comforted by things that remind them of the noise, movement, and confinement of being on the inside.  He talks about the "5 S's" - swaddling, swinging, sucking, shushing, and side/stomach lying - all things that help activate a baby's calming reflex.  The author has turned this idea into a method of sorts and is now making tons of money off of it, but it is basically all things that people have been doing for a long time.  Swaddling is the big thing now, but it's been around forever (think Jesus).  Nursing on demand.  Carrying your baby in a sling or wrap.  It is really nothing new just things that have been neglected or fallen out of popularity in recent generations. He also has a DVD, demonstrating his calming method. We watched a tiny clip during the class we took just before Juliana was born. Very impressive.



5. What Works Around the World
Having not lived in America for a few years, I think that a few things about our child raising ideas are a little over the top. Like trying to teach your 3 month old to be independent or putting your little baby on a strict schedule.  In some ways, thinking "globally" helps me to be a bit more relaxed about parenting too.  It's good to remember that babies are born and raised all over the world, and most of them even live.


In America I would never stand with my baby in the middle of a busy street while cars passed on either side.  But in China, it's really hard to cross a street without doing so, and usually you have plenty of company from other pedestrians hanging out on the double yellow line.  From the other side, despite the disapproval a billion Chinese people, I still think my baby can be warm enough without six inches of padding all around.


You may have noticed this global idea weaving its way through the other areas too. There are lots of places all over the world where the whole family sleeps together and certainly not many places where the baby has its own separate room.  In many cultures babies are routinely carried around on the back or in a sling.  Many people breastfeed just because it's natural and there isn't another good option (and they probably aren't looking at the clock all the time to figure out when is the 'right' time).

Despite all this, I am still American.  I won't want Juliana sleeping with us forever.  I'll even move her to her own room, if for no other reason than those cute curtains I bought.  I will put her on more of a schedule as she gets older because that's how we operate.  And I won't nurse her 'til she is 3 because that would just feel too weird.  But hopefully I can remember to be flexible.  Like in two months from now when half of my cleverly constructed methods don't work any more and I have to figure out this parenting thing all over again.