Cross-Cultural Parenting

Parenting in another country can have it's challenges, particularly in a culture where criticism is a primary form of showing concern.  While we get lots of comments about how pretty Juliana is (fair skin and blue eyes are a big hit), we also get lots of comments about our bad parenting.  "Your baby is less than 3 months old and is OUTSIDE?  Are you trying to kill her?  Quick, go home!"  "Only two layers of clothing?  Aiya!  Where is her giant quilt?  She's going to catch a cold and die!"  "Is that cold milk she is drinking?  That will kill her for sure!"  With our crazy parenting, it's really amazing Juliana has lasted this long. :)  Now that I am used to it and understand it more, the comments don't usually bother me too much, though we all have our less-than-awesome parenting days when it would be really nice if someone would say, "She's wearing the exact right amount of clothes!  Good job!"

One of the great things about parenting in another culture, though, is the perspective.  We freak out about a lot of parenting things in America and constantly search for The Right Method.  But when you realize a billion people are doing things completely differently, it does make you think.

For example, co-sleeping certainly happens in America, probably more often than people admit, but it's still a taboo issue.  Even setting aside safety concerns, the social aspect is often viewed as a little "out there."  When I told people Juliana slept in our bed about half the time for the first year, they tended to look skeptical or scandalized.  "You will never get her out of your bed!  How will she ever learn to sleep on her own?  She's way too dependent on you!" 

On the other hand, when Chinese people found out that Juliana started sleeping in her own bed in a different room at just 1 year old, they were equally skeptical or scandalized.  "What if she needed you?  Wasn't she scared and lonely?  How did you ever get her to sleep by herself?  What if she kicked off her blanket during the night and DIED of cold??"  Chinese babies almost always sleep with their parents, usually until they are a toddler or preschooler.  Kevin's teacher still slept with her 5 year old twins (and was understandably a bit jealous of our sleeping arrangements).  The concept of making babies independent or self reliant is completely foreign. 

When Juliana was still waking up constantly during the night at 6 months and a year old, I felt like it was unreasonable - why wouldn't she sleep??  Many Americans expect their babies to start sleeping through the night as early as 3 or 4 months.  When I told Chinese friends that Juliana was still waking up during the night at a year old, they looked like they didn't understand the problem. "Of course she is!  That's what babies do."  The cultural expectations are completely different.

Another obvious area of difference is in potty training.  We have recently been working on potty training with Juliana, now 2.5, a pretty average time for an American child.  The average Chinese child, however, starts potty training closer to 3 months of age.  This practice is similar to what we call Elimination Communication (EC) or infant potty training in the States (although it's likely you've never heard the term if you don't operate in natural parenting circles).  The parents or caretakers look for signs that the baby is ready to do his business - squirming or grimacing, for example - then holds the baby over the toilet, a pot, or pretty much anywhere outside.  The baby learns to recognize their whistle as a sign that it's time to go.  Once babies reach toddlerhood, they squat down on their own or with some help from parents.  Split-pants make for easy potty access. 

Some Chinese parents use diapers at night or occasionally when going out, but it is still very rare to see a diapered baby.  In fact, diapering your baby is mostly viewed as a sign of laziness. People have been expressing surprise and disapproval at Juliana's diapers since she before she was a year old.

When I first moved to China, split pants instead of diapers seemed backward.  We in the US are certainly more advanced than that!  I still have some issues with it, like seeing a bare baby bottom sitting atop the table where you are about to eat is a little disconcerting, and I do wish people would move their baby directly out of the doorway before having them pee.  But as time has gone on, and especially as we have begun the potty training process ourselves, I have started to think the Chinese (and really the majority of the world) have something here.  No doubt they look at American toddlers still in diapers at 3 years and think, "Man, we are certainly more advanced than that!"

Not to say that I judge parents whose toddlers are still in diapers at 3 or after.  I truly don't.  I really do think a lot of kids aren't ready until then.  But I think the biggest reason is our whole system isn't designed to prepare kids for potty training early.  Many American doctors say that children don't physically have any kind of control until at least 18 months, which seems ridiculous when I look at 6 month old Chinese babies who obviously do have a measure of control.  I think it has more to do with our cultural ideas of what potty training means and when it is done.  I have read that the US actually potty-trains later than anywhere else in the world, and that potty training has become a lot later since the use of disposable diapers.

I'm not saying we should all ditch diapers - that's obviously not going to happen for many reasons.   One big reason is that diapers are convenient.  It's difficult to pay attention to your baby's potty cues all the time, and it requires a lot of individual attention.  We did a little EC with Juliana starting at 5 months, but only a very part-time.  She would use the potty when she woke up, after nap, or sometimes at diaper changes, but we never did much more than that.  I'd like to do a little more with the next baby, but we'll see.  I will be even more busy with a preschooler running around too, but we will be using cloth diapers next time, so there will be a little extra motivation of saving on diaper laundry.

Diaperless babies have gotten a good deal of press lately though from the New York Times, Slate, and NPR - articles that discuss a growing (though still very small) minority that use EC.  I think if Americans are still squeamish about breastfeeding in public, we aren't likely going to be ready for bare-bottomed babies.  And I'd rather we work on getting over our Victorian-era breastfeeding issues first.  Whether negative or positive, the general attitude of the articles seems to be, "hey, listen to this crazy thing people are doing now!"  Which is kind of funny to me since everytime I step outside I see diaperless babies.

I think that's what I like about cross-cultural parenting.  You realize that a lot of ideas that seem crazy or radical in America are just the norm elsewhere.  It doesn't mean that everyone else is right and we are wrong (I do get a little tired of hearing about the French and their perfect parenting methods...), and it doesn't mean that we are advanced and everyone else is backward (I get really tired of hearing that attitude!) it just means that just maybe there are a lot of different "normal" ways to parent. 

Parenting

by Ruth

I was only partly joking when I told people my goal for the first year was just to keep the baby alive.  Before Juliana was born just the basics of baby care seemed daunting - nursing, sleeping, diaper changing, bathing.  Well...after a year of working with 2-year-olds I felt pretty confident about my diaper changing abilities, but the rest I had lots of questions about.  Toward the end of my pregnancy I realized that at some point I was actually going to have to raise this child too.  Discipline, get her to sleep on her own, teach her to share and not throw fits - you know, Parenting.  And I realized I really didn't know anything about that.

Two and a half months into things, I am glad to report that Juliana is not only alive, she seems to be doing well.  The basics are starting to become more natural.  She has gotten down the eating thing pretty well, evidenced by her nearly 5lb gain since birth.  I've gotten even faster at diaper changing...at least the times when she doesn't decide to poop all over me.  And I've decided if she doesn't get bathed quite as often as the books say, nobody's going to die.  I am surprised to realize that, while I still have no idea about things like discipline and sharing (and of course, she's too young for that anyway), I already have a little bit of a parenting style, which I decided it is characterized by several things.

1. Breastfeeding
 I always assumed I would breastfeed since that's what seemed "normal," but I never thought much about it.  But as of a few months ago, I have become a big proponent of breastfeeding.  Getting started certainly had its challenges, and I can't say it's completely been smooth sailing since then.  Sometimes it is difficult to schedule absolutely everything I do around, "When is the baby going to need to eat?"  It would be nice to not have to be the one getting up with the baby all night long.  But overall, I love the connection I feel to Juliana.  It helps me to feel like a good parent when I have a definite way to meet her needs and comfort her when she is upset.  And - the main reason I think it's so great - there are just so many benefits.

For example, I learned that a mother's milk changes to meet the baby's changing needs.  The consistency and fat content of the milk changes over the course of a feeding.  The milk also changes as the baby grows to meet its changing nutritional needs.  If your baby is born premature, your milk is even specially formulated for  them.  Pretty spectacular, huh? 

2. Co-sleeping
I didn't think I would want the baby sleeping with us.  After all, that's what the cute little bassinet and crib were for.  But after about the first week I started to notice a trend.  Cute little bassinet = 30 minutes sleep.  Snuggled up next to mommy = 1-2 hours sleep.  Baby sleeping = mommy sleeping.  Mommy sleeping = moderate sanity and functioning ability.  So cute little bassinet became a convenient storage for diaper supplies.

I was very concerned about safety, since co-sleeping seems so controversial.  Every time before I fell asleep I would think, "Is there anyway she could suffocate?  Is there anyway she could get smushed or fall of the bed?"  At first, I would wake up frantically looking around, trying to figure out where the baby was.  I would experience a few minutes of confused panic before realizing she was right beside me, still in my arms, just like when we fell into an exhausted sleep.  And I would do the typical new-parent "Is she breathing?" check.  With time, I discovered there was really no fear of rolling over on her or something, because I always woke up in exactly the same position as I fell asleep.  The baby was also swaddled tightly every night and couldn't really move if she wanted to.  I was also hyper aware of her.  I could be dead to the world but would wake up if she so much as squeaked.

We have now started working on getting her to sleep in her crib sometimes, realizing we won't always want her sleeping with us.  She now sleeps the first part of the night in the crib and then I bring her to bed with us for the rest of the night.  She would probably now be okay with sleeping more in her crib, but I still like sleeping with her.  When she is sleeping in her crib, I usually have a hard time going to sleep since I am listening to see if she will stir (and if she is too quiet, still sometimes wondering if she is breathing).   A sleeping baby cuddled up right next to me has a very sleep inducing affect, however.  I can see that she is right there and okay.  If she stirs I can just rock her gently, smooth her hair, or rub her nose (like a cat!) without having to move.

3. "Baby-wearing"
I think it's funny how all these age-old things have spiffy new terms now.  At least, I had never heard the term "baby wearing" until a few months ago.  Personally, I don't know how people get anything done without a sling or wrap.  Maybe they have babies who are actually okay with being set down once in a while.  Juliana has gotten better at being able to play on the floor or in her crib for a little bit, but she still loves to be held.  She will hardly ever take naps unless she is held - even if she appears to be sound asleep, she will wake up the moment you set her down.  So I find that a sling or wrap (or in my case, switching between the two) is very handy.  Two free hands, less stress on the back, and a happy baby.  The downside is feeling like you're still pregnant, but at least there's no heartburn.


4. The Happiest Baby on the Block
You already know that I love books, but I am usually pretty skeptical of anyone who claims to have the right method or the 7 steps to success in any area.  So I was a little surprised to find this book that I really love - the ideas in which have really worked for us!  The author believes that for the first few months, babies can't be spoiled and don't know how to manipulate yet.  You need to respond to their needs and let them know they can trust you.  They also find the outside world a little bit crazy and are comforted by things that remind them of the noise, movement, and confinement of being on the inside.  He talks about the "5 S's" - swaddling, swinging, sucking, shushing, and side/stomach lying - all things that help activate a baby's calming reflex.  The author has turned this idea into a method of sorts and is now making tons of money off of it, but it is basically all things that people have been doing for a long time.  Swaddling is the big thing now, but it's been around forever (think Jesus).  Nursing on demand.  Carrying your baby in a sling or wrap.  It is really nothing new just things that have been neglected or fallen out of popularity in recent generations. He also has a DVD, demonstrating his calming method. We watched a tiny clip during the class we took just before Juliana was born. Very impressive.



5. What Works Around the World
Having not lived in America for a few years, I think that a few things about our child raising ideas are a little over the top. Like trying to teach your 3 month old to be independent or putting your little baby on a strict schedule.  In some ways, thinking "globally" helps me to be a bit more relaxed about parenting too.  It's good to remember that babies are born and raised all over the world, and most of them even live.


In America I would never stand with my baby in the middle of a busy street while cars passed on either side.  But in China, it's really hard to cross a street without doing so, and usually you have plenty of company from other pedestrians hanging out on the double yellow line.  From the other side, despite the disapproval a billion Chinese people, I still think my baby can be warm enough without six inches of padding all around.


You may have noticed this global idea weaving its way through the other areas too. There are lots of places all over the world where the whole family sleeps together and certainly not many places where the baby has its own separate room.  In many cultures babies are routinely carried around on the back or in a sling.  Many people breastfeed just because it's natural and there isn't another good option (and they probably aren't looking at the clock all the time to figure out when is the 'right' time).

Despite all this, I am still American.  I won't want Juliana sleeping with us forever.  I'll even move her to her own room, if for no other reason than those cute curtains I bought.  I will put her on more of a schedule as she gets older because that's how we operate.  And I won't nurse her 'til she is 3 because that would just feel too weird.  But hopefully I can remember to be flexible.  Like in two months from now when half of my cleverly constructed methods don't work any more and I have to figure out this parenting thing all over again.