Cross-Cultural Parenting

Parenting in another country can have it's challenges, particularly in a culture where criticism is a primary form of showing concern.  While we get lots of comments about how pretty Juliana is (fair skin and blue eyes are a big hit), we also get lots of comments about our bad parenting.  "Your baby is less than 3 months old and is OUTSIDE?  Are you trying to kill her?  Quick, go home!"  "Only two layers of clothing?  Aiya!  Where is her giant quilt?  She's going to catch a cold and die!"  "Is that cold milk she is drinking?  That will kill her for sure!"  With our crazy parenting, it's really amazing Juliana has lasted this long. :)  Now that I am used to it and understand it more, the comments don't usually bother me too much, though we all have our less-than-awesome parenting days when it would be really nice if someone would say, "She's wearing the exact right amount of clothes!  Good job!"

One of the great things about parenting in another culture, though, is the perspective.  We freak out about a lot of parenting things in America and constantly search for The Right Method.  But when you realize a billion people are doing things completely differently, it does make you think.

For example, co-sleeping certainly happens in America, probably more often than people admit, but it's still a taboo issue.  Even setting aside safety concerns, the social aspect is often viewed as a little "out there."  When I told people Juliana slept in our bed about half the time for the first year, they tended to look skeptical or scandalized.  "You will never get her out of your bed!  How will she ever learn to sleep on her own?  She's way too dependent on you!" 

On the other hand, when Chinese people found out that Juliana started sleeping in her own bed in a different room at just 1 year old, they were equally skeptical or scandalized.  "What if she needed you?  Wasn't she scared and lonely?  How did you ever get her to sleep by herself?  What if she kicked off her blanket during the night and DIED of cold??"  Chinese babies almost always sleep with their parents, usually until they are a toddler or preschooler.  Kevin's teacher still slept with her 5 year old twins (and was understandably a bit jealous of our sleeping arrangements).  The concept of making babies independent or self reliant is completely foreign. 

When Juliana was still waking up constantly during the night at 6 months and a year old, I felt like it was unreasonable - why wouldn't she sleep??  Many Americans expect their babies to start sleeping through the night as early as 3 or 4 months.  When I told Chinese friends that Juliana was still waking up during the night at a year old, they looked like they didn't understand the problem. "Of course she is!  That's what babies do."  The cultural expectations are completely different.

Another obvious area of difference is in potty training.  We have recently been working on potty training with Juliana, now 2.5, a pretty average time for an American child.  The average Chinese child, however, starts potty training closer to 3 months of age.  This practice is similar to what we call Elimination Communication (EC) or infant potty training in the States (although it's likely you've never heard the term if you don't operate in natural parenting circles).  The parents or caretakers look for signs that the baby is ready to do his business - squirming or grimacing, for example - then holds the baby over the toilet, a pot, or pretty much anywhere outside.  The baby learns to recognize their whistle as a sign that it's time to go.  Once babies reach toddlerhood, they squat down on their own or with some help from parents.  Split-pants make for easy potty access. 

Some Chinese parents use diapers at night or occasionally when going out, but it is still very rare to see a diapered baby.  In fact, diapering your baby is mostly viewed as a sign of laziness. People have been expressing surprise and disapproval at Juliana's diapers since she before she was a year old.

When I first moved to China, split pants instead of diapers seemed backward.  We in the US are certainly more advanced than that!  I still have some issues with it, like seeing a bare baby bottom sitting atop the table where you are about to eat is a little disconcerting, and I do wish people would move their baby directly out of the doorway before having them pee.  But as time has gone on, and especially as we have begun the potty training process ourselves, I have started to think the Chinese (and really the majority of the world) have something here.  No doubt they look at American toddlers still in diapers at 3 years and think, "Man, we are certainly more advanced than that!"

Not to say that I judge parents whose toddlers are still in diapers at 3 or after.  I truly don't.  I really do think a lot of kids aren't ready until then.  But I think the biggest reason is our whole system isn't designed to prepare kids for potty training early.  Many American doctors say that children don't physically have any kind of control until at least 18 months, which seems ridiculous when I look at 6 month old Chinese babies who obviously do have a measure of control.  I think it has more to do with our cultural ideas of what potty training means and when it is done.  I have read that the US actually potty-trains later than anywhere else in the world, and that potty training has become a lot later since the use of disposable diapers.

I'm not saying we should all ditch diapers - that's obviously not going to happen for many reasons.   One big reason is that diapers are convenient.  It's difficult to pay attention to your baby's potty cues all the time, and it requires a lot of individual attention.  We did a little EC with Juliana starting at 5 months, but only a very part-time.  She would use the potty when she woke up, after nap, or sometimes at diaper changes, but we never did much more than that.  I'd like to do a little more with the next baby, but we'll see.  I will be even more busy with a preschooler running around too, but we will be using cloth diapers next time, so there will be a little extra motivation of saving on diaper laundry.

Diaperless babies have gotten a good deal of press lately though from the New York Times, Slate, and NPR - articles that discuss a growing (though still very small) minority that use EC.  I think if Americans are still squeamish about breastfeeding in public, we aren't likely going to be ready for bare-bottomed babies.  And I'd rather we work on getting over our Victorian-era breastfeeding issues first.  Whether negative or positive, the general attitude of the articles seems to be, "hey, listen to this crazy thing people are doing now!"  Which is kind of funny to me since everytime I step outside I see diaperless babies.

I think that's what I like about cross-cultural parenting.  You realize that a lot of ideas that seem crazy or radical in America are just the norm elsewhere.  It doesn't mean that everyone else is right and we are wrong (I do get a little tired of hearing about the French and their perfect parenting methods...), and it doesn't mean that we are advanced and everyone else is backward (I get really tired of hearing that attitude!) it just means that just maybe there are a lot of different "normal" ways to parent. 

April Appropriate Clothing

Juliana and her friend Ting Ting.  Juliana was dressed warmer that day (awesome outfit, huh?) because it was cooler.  Ting Ting was dressed the same because it was April appropriate clothing.

The weather in Yinchuan has turned quite warm recently.  While last week we pulled back out the thick blankets, this week is more-or-less perfect springtime weather.  The temperature would be just about perfect too if we weren't a touch worried about two warmer months to follow. The trees and bushes are blooming and spring-green is finally wining the battle over winter-dead.  The obsessive watering has begun but our apartment still has water most of the time.  It's a good time of year.

The other day I took Juliana outside to enjoy the warmth and sunshine.  This weekend was up to about 80*F.  Juliana was wearing a long-sleeve shirt and I had on a light sweater, which I promptly shed, thereby becoming the only one around in short-sleeves.  After a few minutes we met up with some other little kids out with their mothers and grandmothers.  Not surprisingly, they commented on the fact that Juliana was only wearing one layer and wasn't it a bit cool?  In Chinese mindset temperature is measured less in degrees and more in time of year.  Come May 1st, jackets are suddenly traded in for short-sleeves and sandles.  But right now "mid April" matters more than "80 degrees".

What did surprise me is when we saw Juliana's friend Ting Ting, her auntie was busy taking off one of her pants layers.  "She is wearing too many clothes!" she commented to me.  "Her mama always says she will get a cold, but look at how much she is wearing!"  With the jeans removed, Ting Ting still had on another pair of pants plus long underwear.  On the top she was wearing two shirts and a sweatshirt.  "Look at An-An," her auntie told Ting Ting.  "She is only wearing one layer."  I must say, I never expected to be (indirectly) complimented on Juliana not wearing layers!

Single's Day Wedding

By Kevin

As we entered the church, the pastor was explaining that the bride and groom had selected a special day to get married. "Today is November 11," she said. "It is single's day."

Typically Single's Day -- 11-11, is a day that the single people of the world (or at least China) celebrate their singleness. This couple decided to redefine it as their wedding anniversary - a day when two singles would be single no more.

We hadn't planned on crashing their wedding. We were just trying to go to church. We didn't know that a wedding had been scheduled in place of the normal service. Still it was interesting. It's hard to blieve, but in this, our seventh year living in China, it was the first Chinese church wedding I've seen.

Much like an American wedding, the couple exchanged their vows by responding that they "yuan yi" (agree) to promises to cherish, love, respect, honor and not leave one another for the rest of their lives. After completing their vows and exchanging rings, the bride and groom held their hands up to show off their rings for a moment. They also lit candles, which the pastor explained represented two families that were coming together to create a third family. And, though they hesitated a moment when the pastor told the groom he could kiss the bride, they -- somewhat embarssingly -- obliged.

All-in-all, it was surprisingly westernized. The bride and groom wore Western wedding attire - albeit with a Chinese flair. The bride's gown, for instance, was draped with a thick layer of white fur near the neckline, perhaps because the temperatures outside were in the 40s. The man wore a suit with a red tie rather than a tux.

There were also a few other differences from a typical American wedding. For one, nobody other than the couple getting married and the pastor appeared to be wearing special clothing. Secondly, there was a huge archway of pink balloons strung up across the aisle. And all the children in the congregation stood along both sides of the aisle, undoubtedly to wish the couple success in child-bearing -- a must in any Chinese wedding. Some alternated between standing still and dancing back and forth with impatience. Also notable was the timing. As I mentioned: it was held during the normal church service. And, as is typical in a Chinese church service, prayers were filled with "A-mens" changted in unison after each phrase and the whole congregation concluded the service by reciting the Apostle's Creed. The videographer couldn't help but notice the foreigners standing in the back while scanning the crowd and made sure to spend a considerable amount of time with his camera aimed directly at us.

As the wedding came to an end, we made our way out of the building. At the door, gifts of watermelon seeds, peanuts and candies were shoved into our hands.

 

To Graciously Receive

I sort of shoved her out the door.  

I had just given our ayi (babysitter) a summer bonus.  We would be gone over the summer, but it wasn't her fault we were taking away her work for almost two months.  I knew she would reject the money if I gave it outright, so I put it in a red envelope, specially used to hold gift money, hearing that it was impolite to refuse a red envelope.

It was the day before we were flying back to America and when ayi came to watch Juliana one last time, I reminded her that we would be leaving tomorrow.  Unfortunately, she looked surprised.  "You will leave tomorrow??"  Hmm, perhaps that communication didn't go through as clearly as we thought.

I knew we had better wait until the last minute to give the bonus since every month she argues about the salary.  When she started working for us and our teammates in the spring, we set what seemed to be a fair salary, the high end of average for this area (about $2.50/hr).  But apparently our children have been such a joy to watch that ayi feels like she is being paid too much.  Or something along those lines.  Though we give her a flat monthly salary, if she ever misses a day (usually if we are gone or have a holiday), she tries to return part of the salary.  It's a very perculiar problem and not quite your usual bargaining!  "Take the money!  We already agreed on your salary!"  "No, it's too much.  Pay me less!"

In reality, she is already getting paid less because she works much longer hours than we hire her for.  Technically she comes to our house 2hrs each weekday afternoon, but she usually arrives about 20 minutes early and leaves 30 or even 45 minutes late.  While the weather is good, she takes Juliana outside every day to play.  The first time she brought her back at 6:40 instead of 6pm, I was a little worried; now we know to expect it.  By the end of the week, instead of the agreed 10 hours she has worked at least 15.

She is a pretty private person so we know very little about her homelife other than she has a grown son.  Perhaps now that her son is out of the house, she doesn't like being home alone.  Her husband must either work long hours or be the one who cooks dinner since she doesn't usually get home until about 7pm (and Chinese people usually don't eat late).  At any rate, she is never in any hurry to get home.

We are certainly glad to have such a willing helper who loves playing with Juliana and tries to help us out however she can.  We wanted to show her the we appreciate her, and we wanted to make sure she would have income to get through the summer.  Thus the money in the red envelope.

I slipped the envelope in with a cute picture of Juliana (a bit of distraction) and passed it off to ayi just before she left.  She thanked me and headed home.  Excellent - our plan had worked.

Not two minutes later there was a knock on the door.  "This is too much money!  I can't take this!"  It had seemed a little too easy.  I assured her that we really wanted to give it to her and this was the point that I more or less shoved her out the door saying, "Take it!  Take it!"  She left, I felt successful.

Of course we did not have the last word.  The next morning, as we prepared for our afternoon flight back to America, ayi showed up at our door with large bags full of presents - local specialties, meat, rice cakes and sweet breads for Juliana.  Between gifts for us and our teammates, she had spent at least half of her bonus.  Foiled again.  But now she was very happy.  Chinese people generally love giving gifts.

It reminds me of Spring Festival when we gave our last ayi a holiday bonus and ended up with a large, expensive toy car (except this time our ayi was happily able to continue working for us).  Sometimes you just can't win.  Sometimes the best gift you can give is to graciously receive someone else's generosity.

Which is why tomorrow, despite our protests, ayi is bringing us a roasted duck.       

Chinese Car Culture

By Kevin

She owns a car, but she has no driver's license.

“It is a little bit strange, isn't it?” our colleague asked sheepishly.

What's even more unusual is that she's owned the car for six years and only now is she considering going through the long process of getting a driver's license. It's not an easy process, which is somewhat surprising given the hair-raising experiences we've had in taxis over the years here. Naturally, given the high emphasis the Chinese put on exams, she has to pass four written exams about driving regulations and a behind-the wheel test in order to get her license. But Chinese drivers don't need much actual behind-the-wheel practice to be licensed (Peter Hessler's excellent book “Country Driving” gives an interesting account of his experience of getting a Chinese license).

“Every week, I open the door of the car, put in the key and start the engine to keep it running,” she said, smiling.

I discovered that she had a car because she said that her parents were going to take the train up from Chengdu to visit during the holiday. Then, their plan is to drive back home together, likely stopping off in Hanzhong and another city. Her father is the only one in the family with a license.

I was particularly surprised because, although there are some inexpensive Chinese-made cars, the relative expense of buying a car is much higher than in the U.S. And most people seem to save up and pay cash for cars, rather than taking out loans. When you consider that the average teacher's salary is between $200-400 a month, it takes awhile to save up.

One of Ruth's students bragged that he earned his driver's license over the summer. But he rarely drives. After all, he doesn't have a car. That's the more common way of doing things – get the license to prepare for the future. But he's one of only two or three students I know of who has his license. Everyone else seems to be in awe of anyone with a license.

Another former student mentioned, when talking about buying an apartment with her fiance, that they would be sure to buy one with a garage. Did they have a car? Nope. Just planning for the future.

It's a sign of the times, though. Owning a car in China has become a definite status symbol. Recently, some same article quotes a candidate on a popular TV dating show, describing her ideal husband: have called it the “second most important status symbol” in China (after buying an apartment). The "I would rather weep in a BMW than smile on a bicycle.”

Car buying is such a status symbol in China that Beijing recently capped the number of cars it will license in a year. http://news.xinhuanet.com/english2010/china/2010-12/23/c_13661672.htm

When I first moved to China in 2005, there were two privately owned cars on the entire campus in Tonghua. Two. None of the apartment buildings housing teachers had room for parking because it wasn't necessary. When Ruth and I moved to Weinan, we were surprised that not only did each teacher apartment building have a dozen parking spaces, but that many of them were full. Now, every spot is taken. In fact, school officials have had to paint parking space lines on most campus side streets to accommodate the overflow. And both curbs of street outside the school gate are now constantly filled with cars (both from school and the new apartment buildings across the street, which recently opened).

There are an assortment of car manufacturers filling the parking lot. While many are Chinese brands you wouldn't recognize outside of China, like BYD (which plans to sell an electric car in America soon), Cherry, Dongfeng, Chang'an, Changhe, and Geely, others are American, Japanese or Korean (Honda, Hyundai, Toyota, Ford, Chevrolet, Nissan, Suzuki, Mitsubishi) or European brands like Volkswagon, Audi, BMW, and Peugeot-Citroën. While the Chinese brands are relatively inexpensive, it's a bit surprising that so many teachers here are able to afford the foreign brands.

Bolting the scene

by Kevin

When we first came to China, we were instructed that if we were ever in a taxi that got into an accident, we should leave the fare on the driver's seat and bolt the scene. As far as I can remember, last night was my third or fourth China accident, but first in a taxi. I've been in a bus that clipped a car, a van that hydroplaned into a highway pylon (a few weeks ago, on the way back from the airport). Thankfully, the lack of seatbelts here hasn't been a problem because most crashes in China are low speed.

Last night, as we headed off for dinner, our taxi was stuck behind a slow moving electric bike. Less than a block after we got into the car, the electric bike in front of us suddenly stopped. I'm not sure if the driver purposely stopped or if the power to his bike cut off. Our taxi driver safely slammed to a stop a few meters away from the bike. But then the bike driver did something unexpected--he started rolling the bike backwards and slammed its back wheel into the front of the taxi.

Nobody was hurt, but the bike rider glared and swore at the taxi driver. The taxi driver glared and swore back and got out. In China, typically, anytime there's an accident everyone leaves their vehicles in the middle of traffic and gets out to start arguing over whatever small amount the at fault driver can pay for repairs since nobody has insurance. As Peter Hessler notes in his excellent book Country Driving, usually the payoff for a small accident might run in the neighborhood of a few hundred RMB ($30-$50). Every other car is left with the responsibility of finding a way around. Our little side road to the east gate was immediately clogged with traffic that couldn't move.

Since nobody was hurt, there clearly was no damage with a half-mile-per-hour collision, and he wasn't at fault, no doubt our driver began to explain that he didn't need to pay this possibly drunken electric bike rider anything. An argument ensued.

We started asking ourselves. "When should we get out and find a new taxi?"

The answer came quickly. As crowds began to gather around our taxi (anytime there's an accident, crowds of pedestrians seem to gather to see what might happen next), the bike rider rolled his bike backwards into the taxi, crashing into the front bumper again. This time with slightly more force than the first accident. He then put his hand on his butt and grimace, feigning injury. The driver argued, then escorted the man and his electric bike to the sidewalk. Then they started throwing punches. Nothing that would draw blood -- or probably even bruises, but punches nonetheless. The driver got the biker into a headlock and onto the ground. Then they scrambled to their feet. As we got out of the taxi, we quickly picked up our pace toward the next road, where we might be able to find another taxi, the men were sparring.

We figured that though we may have been the only witnesses who could substantiate what had happened, we'd better err on the side of caution. Sometimes a crowd mentality can escalate violence and redirect it at the foreign faces. Particularly if they thought that somehow we had caused the accident. We figured the police can find us easily enough if they need witnesses to corroborate, but since a police car drove out the street just as we were leaving, we figured this "accident" would never get that far.

Old Woman Enjoying Shaanxi Opera

Old Woman Enjoying Shaanxi Opera
Originally uploaded by kevsunblush

Shaanxi Opera is a special form of grating Chinese music that the old people here are quite fond of. Every weekend and most weekdays in the main city square, you can find groups of old people playing traditional Chinese instruments. There's generally a man or woman singing traditional opera (if you've ever heard Beijing Opera, aka Peking Opera, you get the idea). The other day, I even spotted several musicians practicing in the outdoor dining area at McDonalds (I wish I had my camera that day).

I just uploaded a bunch of photos of people playing and enjoying Shaanxi Opera in the city square, in addition to shots of the Sports Meeting, our trip to Xi'an a couple weeks ago and other stuff to flickr. Check them out here:http://www.flickr.com/photos/kevsunblush/