The Myth of the Perfect Child

"But the grass is greener over there!!"  My wonderfully imperfect child can reject a vegetable from a mile away, spot the sunrise from hours away, and has been known to collapse on the floor because she couldn't have another cracker.

I have many friends who are parents and most of them I would consider to be good parents.  Some of them are incredible parents whom I admire and want to emulate.  But most of them frequently feel like they aren’t doing a very good job.  Some days it seems like things are going well, other days they are plagued by doubt, and some days they are convinced they could win the World's Worst Parent award.  Why is it that so many good parents feel like they are failing?  I have been thinking lately about this question and want to share a few of my speculations.  Since my speculations are more numerous than my time, I think this will turn into a mini-series.  Besides, “mini-series” makes it sound like I really know what I’m talking about. :)

1. The Myth of the Perfect Child

I have a friend whose baby was sleeping through the night at 3 months old.  At 7pm she happily laid down in her bed and slept peacefully until 7am, then entertained herself quietly for another hour before alerting her mother with happy cooing.  At 6 months old this baby sat peacefully on her own, playing with toys for half an hour.  At 10 months this baby never threw food on the floor.  At 15 months she was speaking in full sentences, most of which started with the word "please."  At 18 months she self potty trained.  At 24 months she never threw tantrums and happily reached for another carrot stick, no dressing needed.  At 3 years old she was not only dressing herself, she was also doing her own laundry and picking out color-coordinated outfits.

Do you know someone like this?  Actually, me neither.  For one thing there's no way we would still be friends.  For another thing that child doesn't exist.  Our vision of the perfect child is just a compilation of all the enviable traits of a dozen children we've heard of and then dangerously expect our child to be.  But one thing we forget is that the child who was indeed a terrific sleeper had a tremendous difficulties with nursing.  That independent player is 18 months and barely talking at all.  The toddler who loves carrot sticks and brocolli won't potty train until 4.  The 3 year old did do her own laundry...flooding the washer and staining all her clothes in the process.

When I hear people brag about their child's enviable traits (or bemoan their less enviable ones), I have to think, "What is our idea of the perfect child?"  It seems to me that the perfect child is one who interferes with our life as little as possible.  He sleeps so much we hardly see him in between naps!  He plays so well on his own we don't even have to interact with him!  I often think of how much I could accomplish if Juliana didn't want to be with me all the time.  There are certainly advantages to encouraging age-appropriate independence, but is a "perfect child" really one who doesn't need her parents?

The perfect child is actually a miniature adult.  Sure, you get to dress her in cute clothes and she says funny things, but she thinks and acts like an adult.  My friends (and I) often express frustration about our children's irrational behavior.  If you were happy to eat it yesterday why won't you touch it today?  If you stick your finger in there again, of course it's going to get pinched - don't you remember the last time?  We expect our children to think the same way as fully rational adults do (forgetting how many times we also do dumb things over and over again when we should know better).

The perfect child also seems to be rather lacking in the personality and emotion. He is compliant and passive, happily agreeing to whatever we suggest.  She has no opinion (or better yet, she has our opinion) about what to eat and what to wear.  She doesn't get upset when things don't go her way (perhaps because she's so  rational).  Instead she calmly accepts life and lets it wash over her.

Sometimes I'm not sure if we've actually gotten over the idea that "children should be seen and not heard."  A good child is still considered one who looks nice but doesn't mess up our lives to much.

When our children do act like children, when they have big needs or a large personality, we start to wonder what is wrong with them -- Or perhaps more so, what is wrong with us that we can't control them.  Everyone else's baby is sleeping through the night.  Nobody else's child is screaming in the middle of the supermarket.

As parents we have a responsibility to help our children to behave appropriately, handle their emotions, and do things they don’t want to.  Some of their actions do reflect on our parenting.  But no matter how good of parents we are, we will never have a perfect child.  It is unfair to expect it from them or from ourselves.  And honestly, if we did have the perfect child, everyone would probably hate us.  Is that really what we want?  Enjoy your friends (who secretly feel relieved that your child also throws tantrums).  Enjoy your imperfect child.

The Importance of Not Being Tone-Deaf

This week the woman who taught us our first Chinese numbers and simple phrases is posting a series she calls "Language Week." Seeing as how she's lived in China for more than two decades, she has all sorts of great language-lerning stories. I thought I'd share a snippet from today's blog, titled "Of Tones and Trains" to demonstrate the importance of getting our tones right:

"We approached the window, stuck our money into the tiny opening and carefully told the lady behind the glass and the date, train number and what type of tickets we wanted. She took our money, wrote out the tickets (they were hand-written pieces of paper in 1992), and handed them to us.

Then, just to verify that we had gotten the right tickets, I stuck my nose back up to the opening and said “shi ba dian ma?” Is 8 o’clock?  The lady nodded her head and said back to me, “shi ba dian.” Is 8 o’clock.

Or so I thought.

Two days later we went to the station at 7, an hour before our 8pm train. When we showed our tickets to get into the soft sleeper waiting room, the attendant on duty looked at our tickets and said YOUR TRAIN LEFT AN HOUR AGO!!

We looked at each other in horror! ...

...we tried to figure out what had happened? How had we so completely misunderstood what time the train was to leave?

It was the tones that had tripped us up.

When we said shi ba dian ma, what was in our minds was this: is 8 o’clock?

When the ticket said shi ba dian, what she had in her mind was: 1800 hours. (6 pm)

Shi said with a falling tone means “is.” Shi said with a rising tone means “10.” Stick ba after it and together they become shiba, which means 18.

We didn’t know if we had said the tone wrong (making her hear it correctly) or if we had incorrectly heard her correct tone. It didn’t matter. The fact remained that we had missed our train because of the tones.

(go read the rest of Joann's entire post. (and while you're at it, subscribe to her blog, it's one of our favorites).

Her other "Language-week"  posts are also worth a read: What Does Ju Mean?, How Long Does it Take to Learn Chinese? and Language Week at Outside-In. This older language-learning post is also good: A Letter to Chinese Language Learners.

 

 

Strange

Yesterday toward the end of class I looked out the window. I do this a lot, but what was strange about this day was the Chinese girl standing about 6” from the window staring in at us. That wasn't too strange of itself, since we are foreigners and get plenty of stares. But ten minutes later when she was still standing staring at us, that was pretty weird. Our teacher saw her staring in the window and looked surprised but she kept on teaching. I kept giving her weird, “Why are you still staring at us?” looks. Usually after a few of these looks people will get embarrassed and move away, but this girl continued to stare with an impassive face.

When class ended the teacher whispered as I walked by, “Why was she staring? That was very strange.” I said we are foreigners so a lot of people want to look at us, but yes, that was strange. As I walked out of the building the girl was loitering by the door. The building manager (man who lives in the building, keeps an eye on things, and keeps it in good shape) was talking to her unhappily, I gather telling her to go away. The building man then came over to talk to one of the teachers nearby,  my past writing teacher Li Laoshi. He something about how this girl kept hanging around and he didn't know why.

When I walked outside to get my bike, the girl stood by the doorway staring at me. Li Laoshi came out and sternly asked her, “Are you looking for someone?” The girl didn't answer, just kept standing there. Getting more stern, Li Laoshi said, “If you aren't looking for someone then you need to leave!” The girl didn't respond, just kept standing there. I like Li Laoshi a lot, but when she gets stern, most people listen.

As I prepared to head off on my bike, the girl turned to me and finally asked, “Where are you from?” I told her America and then biked away. I'm used to staring, and I'm used to people asking where I'm from, but it was all still very strange. I couldn't decide if she was either not quite right in the head or if she was just a very simple country girl with no social graces and a large foreigner curiosity.

2 Years Old!

Dear Juliana,

Two years ago when I first held you I thought you were beautiful, but I didn't yet know what you'd become.  I suppose at two you are still in the process of becoming :), but already you have such a strong personality.  I love your enthusiasm toward life, the way you approach each day and each event of the day with eager expectation.  I love your giggles and smiles and silly faces.  Now that you are speaking, I love your 2 year old jokes you tell with a glimmer in your eye.   Even before you could speak, you always found a way to express yourself.

Daddy, looking at picture of a horse: It's a horse.  Juliana: Actually it's a cow.

Juliana, holding mama's cup: Baby's cup.  Not for mama. 

Many people who see you say you are such a happy baby, and do you ever cry?  Of course sometimes you cry, like when you really want a cracker or really don't want to sleep.  When you do, you cry with gusto.  You know exactly what you want and make sure everyone else knows too.

Perhaps in the future the years will all blend together, so I want to remember and want you to know what your life was like as you began your second year.

Daily schedule: Wake up about 6am, whether the sun is up or not.  Want breakfast right away, then play with your toys, play under mama's feet, or go outside for a walk in the morning.  You love to go outside where everyone knows 安安!  You take a 1-1.5 hour nap just after lunch, and in the afternoon 李阿姨 （Li Ayi） comes to play with you.  When the weather is good she takes you outside for a couple of hours.  We eat dinner around 6:30pm and then play together for a bit before bedtime.  Before bed you usually take a bath (every few days), put on jammies, read some stories, nurse, and then (your new habit) fall asleep with your hand on your waterbottle, hopefully to sleep until morning.

Sleeping: You have finally gotten down falling asleep on your own and sleeping through the night, except that everytime we travel you are disturbed by new places, wake up all night, and spend half the night in mama and daddy's bed kicking like crazy.

Eating: The picky stage continues.  You have expanded your diet soemwhat but are rather unpredictable.  Your favorite foods are cheese, yogurt, crackers, mac 'n cheese, hot dogs, and rice.  Your least favorite foods are all vegetables (except potatoes) and all fruits (except bananas), so mostly I try to sneak those in elsewhere.

Talking: This summer you really started using a lot of sentences, and now you are a pro at combining words and phrases to make your own meanings.  You also love to repeat back what we say, perferably adding "no" or "not" at the beginning (e.g. "NOT yummy veggies," "NO mama's toy.")  We laugh over the funny things you say.  You are starting to speak more Chinese as well, although mostly with ayi.  Just this morning I heard you say your first Chinese sentence, "安安回家了." (AnAn is back home.)

Juliana likes to hide behind the water machine.  She also things the big bag of rice (beneath her) makes a great seat.

 Playing: You love to play hide and seek, chase (with your doll stroller and riding train), and ring around the rosy.  You love to play with Little People (especially the baby), dig in the dirt, draw pictures (markers or messy paint prefered) and do almost anything as long as it's outside.  You have started to play for longer periods (sometimes 20-30 minutes) on your own, though usually with mama or daddy nearby.  Every week we have a play date with your other foreign friends in a home or at the park, and every day you see your little Chinese friends outside.  You have lots of fun.

Other favorites: You love to read and are developing a longer attention span.  You love your Pete the Cat books and can repeat parts of them.  You also love books with songs, like Jesus Loves Me, The Wheels on the Bus, and If You're Happy and You Know It.  You love to sing and approximate the words to a number of children's songs.  You still love to listen to music and dance along.  You are excited to talk to your grandparents and family on Skype.

This summer you loved playing with kitchen toys at Grandpa and Yaya's house, so for your birthday we made a play kitchen out of a large diaper box.  I hope you will enjoy it and play with it while mama is cooking.

Sometimes life with such an energetic toddler is tiring, but it is also lots of fun.  You make our lives very happy.  I am looking forward to watching you grow in this next year.

Love,

Mama

My First China Haircut

Today I got my haircut for the first time in China.  It's funny that I have lived in China for six years and never had my haircut here, but most of the time I've had long hair, so I hardly ever cut it.  Most years I cut it once in Thailand (an inexpensive salon where they gave great hairwash/head massages, spoke a bit of English, and then finished off with some really good tea) and once in America (either by my mom or in a salon if I was donating - free haircut!).

My first few years in China I was afraid of hair salons anyway.  I had no ability to communicate what I wanted in a hairstyle, and I had seen that popular Chinese hairstyles were not exactly (or at all) what I had in mind.  Short and poofy on the top with a few long strands at the base of the neck was very fashionable at the time.

Now that I have a short haircut I actually need to maintain it a little more.  After just 7-8 weeks, it was already starting to look shaggy.  I know several foreigners who go to a hair salon not far away, but I decided to try out the little hair salon at the bottom of our stairs.  For one reason, it takes about 1.5 minutes to get there.  For another reason, we know the girls in the salon.   Juliana often hears the loud dance music they like to play as we walk past and wants to go inside.  The girls are always happy to see her and her dance moves.

Walking outside our building last spring.  The hair salon is in the background, a converted apartment.

Toward the beginning of last year my tutor and I went to chat with the girls as part of a tutor activity.  I found out the two girls working there at the time were sisters.  The youngest was 16 and had just come to start working.  I don't remember everything they told us about their family, but I know it included several more siblings.  I think they were from a relatively rural area in another province, so they were probably glad for the opportunity to come work in the city.

I immediately liked the girls because they were so friendly, especially the younger one.  She laughed at my stumbling Chinese but spoke very slowly so I could understand what she was saying.  She had a "fresh from the country" innocent, excited sort of look and a ready smile.  In the past year, she has adapted more to city life - gotten a cooler hairstyle and been through several dyes, bought a new wardrobe of fashionable clothes, and of course aquired a fancy cell phone.  She doesn't look quite so young and innocent, but she is still very friendly and usually looks happy.

So today I headed downstairs for my first haircut.  We had just been learning different words related to hair and hairstyles in class and tutor time, so I was prepared.  Mostly I didn't use them, but I also didn't accidentally end up with a perm or a dye or anything.  I told her I wanted it to look about the same as my current hairstyle, just cut a little bit and held up fingers to show about 1/2".

Inside the hair salon last fall, pretending to cut my tutor's hair for a photo scavenger hunt.

First she washed my hair and massaged my scalp for a bit, always the best part, then she led me over to the chair.  The salon had similar equipment as an American salon except it was very small and a good deal more dingy.  Pictures of various popular hairstyles were strung from the ceilings and lined the walls.  An old couch and a couple of folding chairs served as a waiting area.

The haircut ended up being about 2" shorter than I had planned, definitely shorter than my summer haircut!  She used thinning shears on the whole thing, since a feathery look is popular.  My hairstylist this summer used a lot of feathering as well, though.  After a quick run through with the hairdryer she was done.  I tried to pay but realized I didn't have small enough change for my $1.50 haircut, so I ran upstairs to get a 10Y bill, again appreciating the convenience factor.  (My tutor said the average price for a  haircut ranges from 10-50 yuan, so mine was definitely a bargain. They may have given a slightly lower price since they know me).

The haircut

It's definitely short but I like it, and it may turn out to be even easier to take care of than before! And the price is really hard to beat!  I came back home and Juliana actually sat still for about 30 seconds while I gave her a haircut too!  No layers, thinning shears, or fancy stuff, but I think it's mostly straight.

Our New Neighborhood

 Kevin just took this picture from our window showing the four large apartment buildings under construction across the street.  I believe they were just starting construction on two of them last year when we moved in; I think the tallest two weren't yet started.  Construction is a daily sight in China no matter where you live; the only surprising thing about this picture is that I only spot one crane!

When Kevin picked up food from our favorite Dongbei (Northeastern) restaurant across the street, he said most of these old courtyard homes, like the one we were able to visit last spring, have been torn down.  I'm not surprised, since they were so old and increasingly surrounded by high-rises.  They weren't so nice inside, but I'm still sad to see them disappear, just as they are all over China.

Oh well, you can't live in China long without getting a new neighborhood!

From Pandas to Polar Bears: The San Diego Zoo

We have a winner: Trekaroo just announced that the photo I took of Juliana at the San Diego Zoo won first prize in it's summer photo competition. They asked if I'd be willing to write a review of the Zoo to accompany the photo, so here it is:

By Kevin

“What kinds of outings work well with not-quite-two-year-olds?” my wife and I wondered. We often bring our daughter to parks or take her to play with friends. And Juliana loves those things. But we figured it was high time for her first visit to one of Southern California's many attractions.

Juliana plays some peekaboo near the Hippo exhibit

Disneyland will undoubtedly be fun, but the price-to-enjoyability-over-other activities-ratio seemed like it wouldn't make it worthwhile for another year or two. She'd probably have just as much fun digging in the sandbox and going on the slide at the local park. Same with just about any other amusement park we conjured up. Our then 20-month-old daughter just isn't old enough to maximize the fun factor.

But we knew she loves animals. After all, she had recently entered the phase of life in which she is grabbing hold of every opportunity to name her world, particularly, every giraffe, horse or cat that pops up in her picture books.

So when our friends and their three daughters mentioned that they had a San Diego Zoo membership and were planning to make a trip, it didn't take us long to figure out where we should go.

The 100-acre zoo was fantastic. It's easy to see why the San Diego Zoo is generally considered one of the best zoos in the world. Although it is home to more than 4,000 animals and 6,500 plant species, the habitats are spacious. The animals are easy to spot and well-cared for.

Giant Panda Bai Yun gnaws on some bamboo

One of the highlights – given our connection to China – were the panda exhibits – one of the few exhibits at the zoo you have to wait in line to see because of their popularity. As we entered the line, I was excited that one year of Chinese studies meant I could actually read the Chinese characters for the panda's names, written at the entrance. Of the zoo's now four Giant Pandas (a baby was born just after we visited in July), we were able to see two: 白云 (Bai Yun or White Cloud) and 高高 (Gao Gao or Tall Tall). Unfortunately, we arrived while Gao Gao's cage was being cleaned, so we had to wait about ten minutes for him to arrive back in his cage. Then we only had a few minutes to snap a few photos before being urged on to make more room for other visitors to get a glimpse of the black-and-white bear as he lazily gnawed on sticks of bamboo.

Juliana gazes at an orangutan

Our daughter also loved other exhibits. She gazed adoringly at the orangutans. She eagerly pointed out the giant elephants. She giggled at how much bigger the giraffes are in person than in her picture books. She smiled as colorful birds whizzed past in the spacious aviaries, then picked up the tropical leaves that had fallen onto the walkway.

Orangutan rests between swings

She particularly enjoyed the polar bear and hippo exhibits, which allow you to look at the animals from multiple vantage points – both below the surface, through a giant aquarium-like window and above it. There's also a small play area which a hippo statue outside the hippo exhibit, which Juliana eagerly explored, popping her head from behind a tree in a game of peekaboo.

It didn't hurt that the polar bear exhibit was also surrounded by faux-ice caves for kids to play in. Juliana followed her older friends in and soon was emulating them as they popped their heads out of “holes” in the “ice.”

Juliana pops her head through the "ice" at the polar bear exhibit

Previously, every time she saw a bear in a picture book, she called it a dog. On the ride home, she was identifying them correctly, also adding words like “snake,” “rhino,” “panda” and “zebra” to her vocabulary.

I can't find much to fault about the San Diego Zoo. One slight negative, however, is that it is a bit tricky to navigate the hilly terrain with a stroller. Thankfully, the zoo has installed moving sidewalks that weave up and down along the hills, making it a breeze to climb them if planned out correctly. The Skyfari aerial tram is also helpful for seeing the polar bears. However, since we couldn't bring strollers on the aerial tram, we didn't explore much further than the zebra exhibit in that section of the park.

Families planning a trip to the zoo can save money by purchasing zoo memberships. Members are entitled not only to unlimited entrances to both the zoo and the San Diego Safari Park (formerly known as the Wild Animal Park) for a year, but they also receive a pair of “Super Discount Admission Coupons” to use on guests (which reduce the gate price to $15, making them worth $27 if used on adults or $17 for kids). They also get a subscription to the ZOONEWZ magazine and several other discounts. Through a deal available to California residents, we bought a dual membership, which covers two adults from the same household for $109 (a single membership is $88). Since my parents were also along for the trip, buying the membership was a no-brainer.

Regularly, adult tickets are $42 apiece. Children ages 3-11 are $32. Admission for younger kids is free, so when you factor in the discount passes, buying a dual membership is much less expensive if four or more adults are going together. Since four $42 tickets would cost $168 and the total cost of a dual membership plus two $15 “Super Discount Admissions” comes to a grand total of $139, it saves money from the getgo (for two adults and two kids it would actually cost $148 – making it slightly more expensive to buy the membership). And, on top of that, we can go back again for free. Additionally, parking is always free at the zoo.

However, a potentially even better deal is on the horizon: Kid's Free Days. In honor of the Zoo's founding, from Oct. 1 through 31, 2012, kids ages 3-11 will get free admission when accompanied by an adult. However, tickets to use the guided bus tour and Skyfari Aerial Tram (which are included with other ticket fees) cost extra.

Another way to save a few bucks is to bring your own food and water. Yes, the San Diego Zoo is one of the few amusement parks that actually allows you to bring your own food. And when you're pushing kiddos around in strollers, it's easy to pack meals for the whole family.

To Graciously Receive

I sort of shoved her out the door.  

I had just given our ayi (babysitter) a summer bonus.  We would be gone over the summer, but it wasn't her fault we were taking away her work for almost two months.  I knew she would reject the money if I gave it outright, so I put it in a red envelope, specially used to hold gift money, hearing that it was impolite to refuse a red envelope.

It was the day before we were flying back to America and when ayi came to watch Juliana one last time, I reminded her that we would be leaving tomorrow.  Unfortunately, she looked surprised.  "You will leave tomorrow??"  Hmm, perhaps that communication didn't go through as clearly as we thought.

I knew we had better wait until the last minute to give the bonus since every month she argues about the salary.  When she started working for us and our teammates in the spring, we set what seemed to be a fair salary, the high end of average for this area (about $2.50/hr).  But apparently our children have been such a joy to watch that ayi feels like she is being paid too much.  Or something along those lines.  Though we give her a flat monthly salary, if she ever misses a day (usually if we are gone or have a holiday), she tries to return part of the salary.  It's a very perculiar problem and not quite your usual bargaining!  "Take the money!  We already agreed on your salary!"  "No, it's too much.  Pay me less!"

In reality, she is already getting paid less because she works much longer hours than we hire her for.  Technically she comes to our house 2hrs each weekday afternoon, but she usually arrives about 20 minutes early and leaves 30 or even 45 minutes late.  While the weather is good, she takes Juliana outside every day to play.  The first time she brought her back at 6:40 instead of 6pm, I was a little worried; now we know to expect it.  By the end of the week, instead of the agreed 10 hours she has worked at least 15.

She is a pretty private person so we know very little about her homelife other than she has a grown son.  Perhaps now that her son is out of the house, she doesn't like being home alone.  Her husband must either work long hours or be the one who cooks dinner since she doesn't usually get home until about 7pm (and Chinese people usually don't eat late).  At any rate, she is never in any hurry to get home.

We are certainly glad to have such a willing helper who loves playing with Juliana and tries to help us out however she can.  We wanted to show her the we appreciate her, and we wanted to make sure she would have income to get through the summer.  Thus the money in the red envelope.

I slipped the envelope in with a cute picture of Juliana (a bit of distraction) and passed it off to ayi just before she left.  She thanked me and headed home.  Excellent - our plan had worked.

Not two minutes later there was a knock on the door.  "This is too much money!  I can't take this!"  It had seemed a little too easy.  I assured her that we really wanted to give it to her and this was the point that I more or less shoved her out the door saying, "Take it!  Take it!"  She left, I felt successful.

Of course we did not have the last word.  The next morning, as we prepared for our afternoon flight back to America, ayi showed up at our door with large bags full of presents - local specialties, meat, rice cakes and sweet breads for Juliana.  Between gifts for us and our teammates, she had spent at least half of her bonus.  Foiled again.  But now she was very happy.  Chinese people generally love giving gifts.

It reminds me of Spring Festival when we gave our last ayi a holiday bonus and ended up with a large, expensive toy car (except this time our ayi was happily able to continue working for us).  Sometimes you just can't win.  Sometimes the best gift you can give is to graciously receive someone else's generosity.

Which is why tomorrow, despite our protests, ayi is bringing us a roasted duck.       

Home

The first couple of years after I came to China, I remember people returning after the summer talking about how nice it was to "be back home."  I thought they had to be making it up, wanting to look cool and well-adjusted, because obviously this was not home.  I didn't return with home-like anticipation - my thoughts were more along the lines of, "Why did I come back??" 

Over time, though China has become increasingly more normal, more homelike.  The past few summers upon returning to America I think, "It's so strange here!  So normal and yet so strange.  I kind of want to be back in China where everything is familiar."  I have a similar feeling when I come back to China - I suppose it's only natural to feel a slight disorientation when jumping across the world.  I notice all the stares and remember how foreign I am.  I stumble over the simplest Chinese phrases.  I remember how ugly that bathroom tile is and see those roaches I managed to put out of my mind.  But after a few days, the strangeness fades and life goes on as normal.  We are surprisingly adaptable. 

What actually bothered me this summer is how easy it was to adjust to America, and more particularly an American mindset I hoped to leave behind.  After the initial strangeness, America is so pleasant. It's so clean and pretty and people eat so much cheese.  It's so normal.  You almost forget that most of the world isn't like this. 

It is easier in China for me to look in my closet and think, "I have so many clothes!  Especially since I wear the same things over and over again anyway..." but it didn't take long for me to think, "But wouldn't a new shirt be awfully nice?  It's not all about necessity.  Aren't I entitled to some variety?"  It was easy to envy other people's beautiful bathrooms (including almost every public bathroom I went in) and think, "It sure would be nice to have a bathroom that was so pretty like this."  It was easy for the big houses and the cars and all of the daily wealth to seem so normal.  It was easy to compare myself to other Americans, to think of the luxuries I rightfully "deserve."  The rest of the world seemed far away. 

That is not to say that everyone who lives in America is selfish and unmindful of the rest of the world, but I think I could easily become that way, when the rest of the world isn't constantly getting in your face and forcing you to see a small taste of what "normal" really is. 

I really like America, and it will always be my home.  When I got married I felt sad because I thought I had to give up the sense of home I felt in my childhood Georgia home.  I was afraid I would never have that security of my own home.  But now I realize that home isn't just one place.  It is my parents' peaceful country home.  It was the Pasadena apartment for those 8 months after we married.  It was the Weinan apartment where we got to live for three years, where Juliana spent her first year.  It is our comfortable 6th floor apartment where we get to live for one more year.  Instead of having no home, I actually have home everywhere I go.  In fact, few people will get to have as many homes as I do. 

I miss my home, but also, I'm glad to be home.

Small Steps toward Natural Living

As I mentioned in my last post, I have been thinking a lot about how to live more simply.  I have been wanting to take steps toward more natural living as well, and I think the two can definitely be related.

I find living simply to be difficult because it involves not having everything you want and stepping out of the comparison cycle.  But in general simple living seems pretty...simple.  It's easy to figure out what to do; it's just hard to follow through with it.

Living more naturally, however, seems a lot more challenging.  When I read about eliminating processed food or canning I think, "Oh man, that sounds like so much work!  That's anything but simple."  This is perhaps because I have been confusing simple with convenient, when they really aren't the same thing at all.  Many of the choices we make for convenience are because our lives are so jam-packed we don't have time/energy/money for simplicity.

I hadn't thought too much about natural living until recently.  Really it is through reading "natural parenting" blogs and information that I also came across a lot of people interested in natural living as well.  I guess it makes sense.  But while my natural parenting tendencies seemed to come naturally, other natural choices have been more of a struggle.  Probably because I really love convenience.  And I really love boxed Mac N' Cheese.

I also find natural living to be rather overwhelming.  People talk about growing their own foods, home-making condiments, avoiding processed flour, or using solar power and I think, "I don't know how to do those things!"  I tend to pick up on the slightly more bizarre ideas ("Ooh, cloth toilet paper!  That's such a good idea.").

Some things are trickier in China. When it comes to food, I have no idea where our meat comes from.  I know our milk is local, but I wouldn't be surprised if the cows and chickens are pumped full of steriods, antibiotics, and hormones. We buy all our fruits and vegetables from the small sellers at the vegetable market.  They could either be organic, covered with pesticides, or grown with "humanure." I really don't know and I have very little control over it.

Some things are easier in China.  It's easier to stay away from pre-packaged foods because there aren't as many.  I love the convenience of a can of cream soup, but when you can't get it you discover it's not too hard to make a close-enough approximation.   We can buy local honey (probably from the bee-keeper just down the street) and local yogurt, although it includes plenty of sugar.

So between the things I can't do, try to avoid doing, and aren't sure about, living naturally can seem overwhelming.  Therefore, I have been trying to think about small steps I can make to live a healthier, simpler, more natural life.  Just because I will never live on a self-sufficient homestead doesn't mean I should give it all up as a lost cause.  I think once I start making some small steps in the right direction, some bigger changes will be easier to put into effect.  Here are some small things I'm doing:

- Making some of my own bread - less processed, no preservatives, and more whole-wheat flour than the vaguely-wheat bread we can buy.  And it's really surprisingly easy.  The rising and cooking take a while, but that actual hands-on time is 15-20minutes.

- Made reusable produce bags.  I always use reusable grocery bags (or rather, I usually put everything in a large backpack to carry home) but we collect tons of small produce bags since we buy small quantities of produce every few days.  I bought a $1.50 sheer curtain from Goodwill and sewed up some quick bags.

-Cooking with more tofu and beans and less meat.  I like meat and don't think meat is essentially unhealthy.  I just think we tend to rely on it too much.  Also, tofu is about 1/5 the price of meat (at least in China) and beans are much cheaper as well.  As students, this has become more important to us.  When I do cook (which I'm trying to do more of - baring this summer when I'm doing NONE!), I try to use less meat and add more veggies instead.

-Plan to use cloth diapers next time around.  I really hated how many bags and bags of diaper trash we went through.  It's not at all hard to imagine filling up the world's landfills when you see how much trash is produced from one child in diapers.  I also dislike how much we spend on diapers every month!

-I've started using vinegar as a household cleaner.  Vinegar has natural antibiotic properties (and the smell goes away when it dries).  I have still used bleach for some things (like persistent mold), but I'm glad to be inhaling a few less chemicals.

-I just bought my first Dr. Bronners all-natural soap.  It is organic and fair-trade with natural scent.  It's also very concentrated so a little bit lasts a long time.  It has a large variety of uses but mostly I'm planning to use it just for soap.

Now I'm not saying, "Yay me, I'm so progressive and I can't believe you still use soaps with chemicals and eat store-bought bread."  (snooty nose sniff).  I'm not trying to brag or act miss-natural-ier-than-thou.  Partly because snooty people are abnoxious and partly because I'm not very natural at all.

For example, I really like drinking coke even though I know full well it has no redeeming qualities (except caffeine, which I do consider a redeeming quality).  In fact, I have a weakness for all kinds of processed sugar.   I definitely ought to cut my sugary/corn-syrupy calories down again.  I also just bought a tablet computer, and even though its to replace my old laptop, I'm pretty sure there is something in the definition of "tablet computer" that says ("Warning: This product is 100% not natural and guaranteed to make your life less simple.  It will, however, make Facebook that much more accessible.")

So it's a work in progress.  Hopefully next year I can tell you about more natural choices I'm making.  What are some things you do to live more naturally?