Tuesday, April 20, 2010


In a few weeks I will have my next prenatal checkup, where I will be seeing my 4th doctor (with still at least 2 more in my future). It's not intentional. It's just that we were usually on a pretty tight schedule for appointments. There's not a lot of room for flexibility when you have to travel 12 hours to get to the hospital and Friday is the only day that works. Friday afternoon, to be exact, since you have to count on the train arriving late.

I called the hospital today to make an appointment (even the nurses speak English - I swear it's like being in a foreign country). I told them what day I wanted to have the appointment, then we went through the list of all the doctors I had seen or heard of, and the nurse kept saying, "Oh! I'm sorry, they're only here in the morning." Oh well, as long as I see A doctor, right?

This appointment will be the one where they do all the detailed ultrasounds and maybe we'll be able to find out if it's a boy or girl. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. Honestly, knowing if it's a girl or a boy will make it so real. And part of me isn't sure if I'm ready for it to be that real. I still have days when my stomach is looking small and I start thinking, "Maybe I'm not really pregnant. I know I saw pictures of a baby, but there can't really be a baby inside me." I'm not throwing up every day anymore, so it's easier to feel like I just got confused and it's not really happening.

Somewhat logical for me to assume that too, given my recent lack of brain-clarity. I find myself getting very easily confused these days. My birthday is coming up soon and I had to ask Kevin how old I would be (to be fair, though, I have been confused about that for several years). I sometimes have trouble remembering, "Did that actually happen or did I dream it?" "Did I actually do that or just consider doing it?" Whereas normally I am plagued by constant thoughts of "I have to remember..." and "I must do this," now I think of something once and it never occurs to me again. I don't even have a to-do list anymore because I don't usually remember things long enough to write them down. I have to check carefully before class, "Did I actually plan a lesson or just consider doing it? Did I print it out? Do I have everything I need?" So it's really not too surprising that some days I wonder, "Am I really pregnant, or did I just dream that up?"

Despite the fact that it still all seems unreal, I realized we are going to be leaving here in two more months and when we come back, we're going to have a baby with us. That means I have to have our house ready for the baby before we leave! As of now, we have...one Dallas Cowboys onesie. I don't think that's going to be adequate. Oh, and several friendly stuffed giraffes. Getting better, but I still feel like we're missing something.

I need to get organized and make some lists. If only I could remember what I was supposed to put on those lists.


Anna said...

Ha... I feel like my general train of thought is quite similar to yours. Except I'm not pregnant which makes it slightly worse. By the way, I'm pretty sure that you actually are pregnant. =)

Nate and Molly said...

I can't wait to hear news from your next ultrasound! I'm thinking girl. :) But above all I hope that he/she continues to grow and be healthy.

back to grading papers so I can actually update our blog in the evening :) I owe you an e-mail too. miss you!

wynd said...

"I'm not throwing up every day anymore, so it's easier to feel like I just got confused and it's not really happening."

These blog posts make me love and appreciate you more and more every time I read them. :)