Cross-Cultural Parenting

Parenting in another country can have it's challenges, particularly in a culture where criticism is a primary form of showing concern.  While we get lots of comments about how pretty Juliana is (fair skin and blue eyes are a big hit), we also get lots of comments about our bad parenting.  "Your baby is less than 3 months old and is OUTSIDE?  Are you trying to kill her?  Quick, go home!"  "Only two layers of clothing?  Aiya!  Where is her giant quilt?  She's going to catch a cold and die!"  "Is that cold milk she is drinking?  That will kill her for sure!"  With our crazy parenting, it's really amazing Juliana has lasted this long. :)  Now that I am used to it and understand it more, the comments don't usually bother me too much, though we all have our less-than-awesome parenting days when it would be really nice if someone would say, "She's wearing the exact right amount of clothes!  Good job!"

One of the great things about parenting in another culture, though, is the perspective.  We freak out about a lot of parenting things in America and constantly search for The Right Method.  But when you realize a billion people are doing things completely differently, it does make you think.

For example, co-sleeping certainly happens in America, probably more often than people admit, but it's still a taboo issue.  Even setting aside safety concerns, the social aspect is often viewed as a little "out there."  When I told people Juliana slept in our bed about half the time for the first year, they tended to look skeptical or scandalized.  "You will never get her out of your bed!  How will she ever learn to sleep on her own?  She's way too dependent on you!" 

On the other hand, when Chinese people found out that Juliana started sleeping in her own bed in a different room at just 1 year old, they were equally skeptical or scandalized.  "What if she needed you?  Wasn't she scared and lonely?  How did you ever get her to sleep by herself?  What if she kicked off her blanket during the night and DIED of cold??"  Chinese babies almost always sleep with their parents, usually until they are a toddler or preschooler.  Kevin's teacher still slept with her 5 year old twins (and was understandably a bit jealous of our sleeping arrangements).  The concept of making babies independent or self reliant is completely foreign. 

When Juliana was still waking up constantly during the night at 6 months and a year old, I felt like it was unreasonable - why wouldn't she sleep??  Many Americans expect their babies to start sleeping through the night as early as 3 or 4 months.  When I told Chinese friends that Juliana was still waking up during the night at a year old, they looked like they didn't understand the problem. "Of course she is!  That's what babies do."  The cultural expectations are completely different.

Another obvious area of difference is in potty training.  We have recently been working on potty training with Juliana, now 2.5, a pretty average time for an American child.  The average Chinese child, however, starts potty training closer to 3 months of age.  This practice is similar to what we call Elimination Communication (EC) or infant potty training in the States (although it's likely you've never heard the term if you don't operate in natural parenting circles).  The parents or caretakers look for signs that the baby is ready to do his business - squirming or grimacing, for example - then holds the baby over the toilet, a pot, or pretty much anywhere outside.  The baby learns to recognize their whistle as a sign that it's time to go.  Once babies reach toddlerhood, they squat down on their own or with some help from parents.  Split-pants make for easy potty access. 

Some Chinese parents use diapers at night or occasionally when going out, but it is still very rare to see a diapered baby.  In fact, diapering your baby is mostly viewed as a sign of laziness. People have been expressing surprise and disapproval at Juliana's diapers since she before she was a year old.

When I first moved to China, split pants instead of diapers seemed backward.  We in the US are certainly more advanced than that!  I still have some issues with it, like seeing a bare baby bottom sitting atop the table where you are about to eat is a little disconcerting, and I do wish people would move their baby directly out of the doorway before having them pee.  But as time has gone on, and especially as we have begun the potty training process ourselves, I have started to think the Chinese (and really the majority of the world) have something here.  No doubt they look at American toddlers still in diapers at 3 years and think, "Man, we are certainly more advanced than that!"

Not to say that I judge parents whose toddlers are still in diapers at 3 or after.  I truly don't.  I really do think a lot of kids aren't ready until then.  But I think the biggest reason is our whole system isn't designed to prepare kids for potty training early.  Many American doctors say that children don't physically have any kind of control until at least 18 months, which seems ridiculous when I look at 6 month old Chinese babies who obviously do have a measure of control.  I think it has more to do with our cultural ideas of what potty training means and when it is done.  I have read that the US actually potty-trains later than anywhere else in the world, and that potty training has become a lot later since the use of disposable diapers.

I'm not saying we should all ditch diapers - that's obviously not going to happen for many reasons.   One big reason is that diapers are convenient.  It's difficult to pay attention to your baby's potty cues all the time, and it requires a lot of individual attention.  We did a little EC with Juliana starting at 5 months, but only a very part-time.  She would use the potty when she woke up, after nap, or sometimes at diaper changes, but we never did much more than that.  I'd like to do a little more with the next baby, but we'll see.  I will be even more busy with a preschooler running around too, but we will be using cloth diapers next time, so there will be a little extra motivation of saving on diaper laundry.

Diaperless babies have gotten a good deal of press lately though from the New York Times, Slate, and NPR - articles that discuss a growing (though still very small) minority that use EC.  I think if Americans are still squeamish about breastfeeding in public, we aren't likely going to be ready for bare-bottomed babies.  And I'd rather we work on getting over our Victorian-era breastfeeding issues first.  Whether negative or positive, the general attitude of the articles seems to be, "hey, listen to this crazy thing people are doing now!"  Which is kind of funny to me since everytime I step outside I see diaperless babies.

I think that's what I like about cross-cultural parenting.  You realize that a lot of ideas that seem crazy or radical in America are just the norm elsewhere.  It doesn't mean that everyone else is right and we are wrong (I do get a little tired of hearing about the French and their perfect parenting methods...), and it doesn't mean that we are advanced and everyone else is backward (I get really tired of hearing that attitude!) it just means that just maybe there are a lot of different "normal" ways to parent. 

Halfway Through, the Second Time Around

I have officially made it to 20 weeks, the halfway point in pregnancy.  It seems like a lot of people say the second pregnancy speeds by much faster, but I can't say I've found this to be true.  Of course, nobody ever says, "Time flies when you're throwing up all the time," so that could have something to do with it.  I am happy to announce that I haven't thrown up now for weeks, though!  I still have some bad days when I feel pretty sick, but most days I'm feeling more like my normal self.  I'm cooking again, able to eat a larger variety of foods, and getting the belly to show it.  Or maybe that's the baby.  It's really nice to enjoy food again!

Being pregnant the second time does have its differences.  For example, last time I didn't go to bed at 9pm, although I probably got more rest during the day.  I wasn't as sick last time, but when I was throwing up nobody was poking their head in asking to see my "hic-ups" and telling me to feel better.  Although I've been trying not to carry Juliana around much, I'm sure I'm doing more lifting this time.  And this time I get to enjoy Juliana's funny baby-related comments and wonder how she'll react to a brother or sister.

Last time I did a lot of walking and yoga, but I also made good use of our apartment's elevator.  I have been doing the same prenatal yoga video, but it is a little different with a small person holding your hand, trying to climb on your back, or crawling under your legs.  Maybe not as effective or focused, but definitely more interesting.  Sometimes Juliana does the yoga with me - her favorite pose is downward dog: "Now I'm a dog!"  For a long time, walking to class every day was about as much exercise as I could handle and I'm just getting back into walking or aerobics.  Living on the sixth floor has been helpful though!  If I want to get home, I don’t have much choice but to climb those stairs!

I miss some of the exciting newness of the first pregnancy, but I appreciate how much more familiar everything is the second time around.  I suspected I was pregnant almost a week before I got the positive test because I felt the same way as last time.  I haven't been worrying about every ache and twinge because I remember that it's normal.  I didn't start recognizing Juliana's movements until around 21 weeks, but this time I've been feeling movement for weeks already.  Lately the movement is more consistent and Kevin has already been able to feel some nudges from the outside.  I'm even getting some forcible jabs that make me think, "How did I miss this last time?"  While I'm still not huge, my belly has definitely grown faster.  Last time at 20 weeks most people who saw me still didn't realize I was pregnant.

When I was pregnant the first time we traveled to Beijing several times for prenatal appointments because I was concerned about getting the best care, I guess.  Looking back, I'm not really sure why it seemed necessary.  I now realize that most check-ups don't involve much more than a blood pressure check and listening to baby's heartbeat.  I weighed the cost and inconvenience of travel and decided our local hospital will serve just fine.  I do splurge to see the "expert" doctor at the new hospital though; it seems worth the $1.50.  Next week I will go back for an ultrasound (a whopping $15) and try to convince them to tell us the sex of the baby.  Chinese people aren't allowed to find out because of the overwhelming preference for girls, but they might tell us since we're foreigners.  I'm not counting on it, but it sure would be fun to know! 

While I still don’t know much about baby, I can make some speculations.  For example, she seems quite active compared to Juliana in-utero (who is now hardly the docile, sedentary type).  He also seems to be confused about what country he’s living in.  He loves Mexican food and all dairy while still being a bit skeptical of Chinese food.  Furthermore, she doesn’t seem to enjoy studying Chinese and is slyly undermining my efforts by sneaking away brain cells in the night.  Funny, huh?

Just 20 more weeks (or you might say, still 20 whole weeks!!) until we meet the little Ruvin in person!

April Appropriate Clothing

Juliana and her friend Ting Ting.  Juliana was dressed warmer that day (awesome outfit, huh?) because it was cooler.  Ting Ting was dressed the same because it was April appropriate clothing.

The weather in Yinchuan has turned quite warm recently.  While last week we pulled back out the thick blankets, this week is more-or-less perfect springtime weather.  The temperature would be just about perfect too if we weren't a touch worried about two warmer months to follow. The trees and bushes are blooming and spring-green is finally wining the battle over winter-dead.  The obsessive watering has begun but our apartment still has water most of the time.  It's a good time of year.

The other day I took Juliana outside to enjoy the warmth and sunshine.  This weekend was up to about 80*F.  Juliana was wearing a long-sleeve shirt and I had on a light sweater, which I promptly shed, thereby becoming the only one around in short-sleeves.  After a few minutes we met up with some other little kids out with their mothers and grandmothers.  Not surprisingly, they commented on the fact that Juliana was only wearing one layer and wasn't it a bit cool?  In Chinese mindset temperature is measured less in degrees and more in time of year.  Come May 1st, jackets are suddenly traded in for short-sleeves and sandles.  But right now "mid April" matters more than "80 degrees".

What did surprise me is when we saw Juliana's friend Ting Ting, her auntie was busy taking off one of her pants layers.  "She is wearing too many clothes!" she commented to me.  "Her mama always says she will get a cold, but look at how much she is wearing!"  With the jeans removed, Ting Ting still had on another pair of pants plus long underwear.  On the top she was wearing two shirts and a sweatshirt.  "Look at An-An," her auntie told Ting Ting.  "She is only wearing one layer."  I must say, I never expected to be (indirectly) complimented on Juliana not wearing layers!

Walking advertisements

By Kevin

Once again, we were an advertisement. In exchange for the use of one of the first 70 degree Spring afternoons of the year, we were giving  the University "face." But that's not what we were told going in. All we were told was that there would  be an activity (活动) in the afternoon involving sports. And that we must come and participate. There's no asking:  when you are a student, the school often tells you what to do.

The cameraman we had to wait for before starting

When we arrived with around 150 of the other foreign students on campus, the teacher in charge divided us into four rows of people and explained that we were going to be filmed by CCTV (China's national TV station) and the local Ningxia TV station because Ning Da is participating in 留动中国 (meaning "stay active China," I think) -- an activity meant to promote "healthy exercise" (redundant, I know), cultural exchange and "joining hands in  the sun" for foreign students living in China. It sounds like participating schools were supposed to arrange 3-on-3 basketball  tournaments, ping-pong matches and 毽子 (jianzi) (a sort of traditional Chinese hacky-sack) exhibitions,  in addition to other cultural activities. While we waited for the videographer to show up, a reporter  started making the rounds, interviewing several students, including our teammate about all sorts of  things. I heard a few questions about food and studies and why he came to China. Nothing could start  until the videographer was there.

3-on-3 basketball "trials"

It really came as no surprise that our sports activity, which the school's website called "trials" for a national competition featuring foreign students didn't actually involve most of us doing something we wanted to do or really learning anything. After all, this was a made-for-TV event. Not an actual activity for  our enjoyment or enrichment, no matter what the propaganda said. At the root, I figured it would be some sort of face-giving publicity stunt, no matter how much it had been dressed up as a fun outing. In fact, though we were told it would involve playing  sports, very few were chosen to don University t-shirts and compete. The school chose six guys they'd heard could play basketball (two of them our teammates), gave them T-shirts and split them into two teams. The rest of us were just told to  be there.

A handful of students played. The rest of us were the audience.

Foreign students holding signs

We were supposed to simulate a "real" competition. The athletes would play their hearts out. The rest  of us were told to 拉拉手, which I took to mean, be cheerleaders (the closest dictionary entry I could  find to this says "to shake hands" -- either that or maybe I got the tones wrong and she meant 辣手,  which means "troublesome" or "vicious" -- I'm guessing that none of these are what she was going for).  We were to mimic the way Chinese students constantly cheer on their classmates at sports meets and basketball games , shouting the traditional Chinese cheer of “加油” (add oil! -- meaning  something like "more effort" or "go team"). But few joined in. Most  just watched. We just weren't  naturals. Teachers repeatedly attempted to start a chant, but it would die before the third or fourth repetition. A few chanted cheers in Russian or other native languages. Students who were given an assignment to hold four signs reading 留动中国 held the signs with less and less enthusiasm as the game went on. The student  tasked with holding up the 宁夏大学 sign tried to prop it up using a package of water bottles, then later by attaching it to another student's backpack.

Student shows off his prowess at jianzi, a Chinese hacky-sack-like game

The basketball players played a fierce half-court game for 15-20 minutes, long enough for our teammate to get a  bloody nose and hurt his knee. Then, as they finished their  game, the teachers pointed the rest of us to the other end of the court and told us to watch and learn how to pay 毽子 (jianzi). In this game, which has been around since the fifth century, we all spent a few minutes attempting to use long-dormant or non-existent hacky-sack skills as we kicked around a shuttle-cock made from four brightly colored feathers attached to two or three small quarter-sized pieces of metal. A few  students from Kyrgyzstan and Tajikistan had obviously played something similar before because soon they  were jumping in the air, tapping the feathered hacky sack back and forth, showing off for the cameras.  A teacher tried to get the rest of the students to gather around and again cheer them on for the  cameras. By this time the crowd had shrunk to maybe 100 students. And half weren't interested in  anything more than chatting with friends.

By the time we made it to the third activity, the ping-pong "tournament," only 50 or 60 students were left to crowd around the ping-pong tables in the  classroom building. But still the cameras rolled.

Wang Hui, school director, interviewed by NXTV.

In the end, I don't know if it had the desired effect. Perhaps if the competitions were real, rather than made-for-TV, people would have gotten into it.  Perhaps if everything didn't feel so staged and manipulated it would have worked. But it didn't. It  felt forced because it was. But maybe that's not how the school saw it. After all, the local news did run a report on the event, trimming out the fat and concentrating on the action and conveying the message the school was going for: "The primary (goal is) to offer our foreign students and Chinese university students a platform to interact and at the same time give them more opportunities to experience Chinese culture," said Wang Hui, the director of the School of International Education.

The only interaction we had with Chinese University students was with the three who served as referees of the basketball and ping pong matches. We probably could have gleaned the Chinese love for ping-pong or basketball without attending a staged event. The jianzi activity was interesting, but most of what I learned about Chinese culture came from reading Wikipedia after learning that the sport isn't actually called "Chinese hacky-sack."

So I guess I learned two things - the importance of giving face and the name of the hacky-sack-like sport.Being the foreign faces in the crowd often gets us roped into events ostensibly for education's sake. But really it's all about giving face or  publicity sake. We often go along with the publicity shoots because they "give face" to our hosts. "Face" is a huge thing in Chinese culture, so our hosts are generally more appreciative (at least when we were teachers they were -- as students, it's more of an expectation). Surely the school didn't gain as much face as it  wanted. I wonder what we'll be roped into next.

Farmers work the fields at Ningxia University's experimental farm

As students, we've been taken to a  farm owned by the university so we could be photographed by  local media among the fields, we've given New Year's performances for University and governmental leaders from China and several other countries and gone to teach Christmas lessons at a local  university. As teachers, we've had colleagues and students ask if they could take our photo so they could advertise their school (even though we didn't work there), invite us to spend a day playing at the  kindergarten (meaning teaching the kids some English songs), ask us to give high school students an  impromptu English lesson and invite us to be interviewed for school radio programs, among other  things. The difference between the two was that as students, we tend to be told to participate, whereas  as teachers, it's a request. Often it's a very urgent request because they've already told others that  we will participate, but at least it gets phrased as a request. We then must decipher how urgent it is.

But sometimes, as students, when told that we must participate, it's just not feasible: there was the  2-1/2-to-three-hour one way bus ride last Spring to Shapotou,

Shapotou, sand dunes along the Yellow River in Ningxia.

a scenic sand dune along the Yellow  River. I went alone. It was interesting, but the full-day trip just wouldn't have worked with then 1- and-a-half-year old Juliana skipping all naps. Then there was the 5K our first fall in Yinchuan. Students were told that  they would be going to a small city an hour away, where there would be a 5K run. We were assured that we wouldn't have to run it if we didn't want to do so. We foreigners were also encouraged to bring our kids and assured that we wouldn't need a stroller. Thankfully, we declined the invitation, using the baby excuse. The bus dropped everyone off at the starting line, then drove to the finish line, forcing everyone to at least walk the route. Glad we decided not to go to that one. Carrying then 1-year-old Juliana for the whole route would have been terrible.
I can't help but wonder what the next face-giving event will be.

April: A Little Family Update

You may have noticed I haven't been doing a lot of blogging recently.  I haven't been doing a lot of things recently, and if it's a choice between blogging or say, showering, people around me would probably prefer I shower.  It's not really that I don't have time - since my last post I have polished off two seasons of Downton Abbey (if you can really call 7 episodes a season), a little Gilmore Girls, and several books, but typing requires mental effort as well as a tiny bit of physical exertion.  Tiring, so tiring.

However, I thought I would take advantage of this little holiday we are having right now (Qing Ming Jie or "Tomb Sweeping Day") to give a general update on our lives.

Kevin: Recently celebrated his 35th birthday with a yummy Mexican potluck and a team game of Pandemic (sorry to say the world was lost to disease one turn before we could save it).  Since then, he has been busy taking care of Juliana.  He has been getting up with her in the morning, playing with her during the day, and putting her to bed at night. He often makes eggs for me in the morning and does most of the chores involving food (grocery shopping, dishes), gross smells (trash, diapers), and an unreasonable amount of physical exertion (hanging up laundry, biking to get milk).  In his free time he does fun things like taxes.  The Royal Shakespeare Company just asked to use one of his pictures in a program, so that's pretty cool.  He'll even get paid!

Oh yes, he's also studying Chinese.  His class has recently expanded in both size and Koreans.  His textbook this year is a series of pictures and vocabulary lists to help describe the pictures.  Yesterday his teacher told him that if a woman is talking to her friend or relative, she might call her own husband "jiefu" - the term for your older sister's husband.  Chinese makes lots of sense.

Kevin's picture...does it look Shakespeare-esque?

Ruth: The good news is I have dropped from daily to weekly throwing up.  I really am doing better than a few weeks ago.  I've even been doing some things like cooking occasionally.  While I'm still eternally grateful to live in a city where we can get cheese and fresh milk, I have also expanded my food repetoir to include lots of Mexican food and three fruits.  Unfortunately I still have a fair share of bad days.  Usually I will have a good day or two, do too much, and then feel sick for a couple of days.  I keep reading about how I should be feeling better now and have that "pregnancy glow;" strangely nobody mentions the pregnancy cynicism (maybe that's my own contribution).  According to Mayo, my blood volume is increasing 30-50%, my pulse is increasing, my blood pressure is dropping, I'm breathing 30-40% more air, and approximately all of my joints and muscles are moving around.  Now that I believe.

Oh yes, I'm also studying Chinese.  We spent quite a bit of time reviewing measure words recently.  We have a few measure words, like a pair of pants, a flock of geese, or a can of Coke.  Approximately every Chinese noun has a distinct measure word (or two or three).  Chinese measure words are so numerous they could almost form their own language.  We also spent some time in general review last week which was very helpful since I had no recollection of some of the things I had technically learned.

16 Weeks Pregnant

Juliana:  My lack of energy is more than made up for in Juliana.  She has been in very high (not to mention loud) spirits lately.  She talks a LOT, says lots of funny things, and rather frequently breaks out into song.  Her favorite type of play is "make them talk": dolls, cars, pieces of train track, silverware - anything can talk.  She's gotten pretty used to immobile mama and now goes straight to daddy for, "Do you want to play with me?  Do you want to play with me??!"  When she misses mama she climbs on top of me and jumps around.  Her vegetable intake has suffered with my food intolerances, but I'd say she's not too close to scurvy.  She doesn't seem to mind all the extra quesadillas she's been eating.

A few weeks ago Juliana's foot got caught in Kevin's bike wheel resulting in two weeks of bandaged foot.  Kevin had to take her back to the hospital every couple of days to get the bandage changed, a process Juliana did not exactly love.  She also couldn't wear her shoe, which meant two weeks of no outside play.  Fortunately the foot is all healed up now except for a bit of remaining scab and scar.  Juliana is more concerned about the "hurt fingers" she gets three times a day since she got new Mickey Mouse band-aids.

Juliana does an Easter dance to "Up From the Grave He Arose"

Ruvin the Second:  Now around 4.5 inches long (the size of an avacado or grenade, whichever image you prefer), baby has doubled in size in the last couple of weeks.  In the next couple of weeks he'll also double in weight.  She can now hear and is sensitive to light.  Probably also sensitive to older sisterly pokes and jabs.  He is making facial expressions and moving around; I may have felt him, but I'm never paying enough attention to be sure.  While Ruvin is having an ever-present impact on my life and body, I guess all that growing is keeping her pretty quiet.

I suppose these days baby looks something like this

So that's what's been happening in our lives.  I'll just leave you with an anecdote from the morning.  Juliana worriedly examined a loose hair in her hand, "My hair!  That's my hair!  Can you put it back in?"  I tried to explain to her that hair falls out and grows back in all the time and you can't put it back, but she solved her own problem.  She placed the hair back on top of her head and said, "I put it back!"  I didn't argue.

Ruvin the Second

I told Juliana, "We have something exciting to tell you!" She looked appropriately excited and asked, "Is it a present?!"  It will be like a present, arriving awfully close to her birthday and all, but we'll have to wait and see how excited she actually is.  Come September (Juliana's third birthday give or take a few days) Juliana is going to become a big sister.

We had our first appointment in Thailand where we got to see the baby for the first time.  When we went into the hospital Kevin told Juliana, "We are going to find out about your baby brother or sister."  Juliana said, "We're going to find a baby brother or sister!"  Then spotting a young girl she cried out, "There's a sister!"  We have reason to believe she doesn't really understand how this works.

Ultrasound from my 13 week appointment

 We are excited, particularly in the moments when I've not been violently ill.  Pregnancy has not been super kind to me thus far.  I was sick with Juliana, but I have been much sicker this time.  I have figured out why they call it morning sickness - one morning you wake up feeling really sick...and then it never goes away.  This week I have seen a little improvement though.  I've started to make it through some days without thowing up - a wonderful feeling.  I've even been able to do some things like take a shower and do some laundry without feeling sick!  I have also been managing to go to class every day, though I can't say a lot for the study outside of class.  It's funny, but studying Chinese doesn't seem to help the nausea.

I am also hesitantly venturing beyond my 4 safe foods: eggs, bread, cheese, and milk.  Today I actually made and ate spaghetti!  Unfortunately this pregnancy, I can't handle Chinese food at all.  Even the smell is completely sickening.  This is really a problem when you live in China.  Kevin is having a hard time with food too, mainly because I haven't been cooking anything.  Fortunately there is a lot of take-out available.  Unfortunately it is all Chinese.  I hide in the bedroom while he eats and then burns candles and fans out the room.  I don't know if you've noticed, but Chinese food SMELLS.

I'm really looking forward to feeling like a mostly normal person again because these past couple of months have been pretty miserable.  I think I'm starting to turn a corner though.  After losing 6+ pounds, this is the first week I have actually gained back weight!  It's not often in life you get to be really happy about that.

We have planned to stay in America this fall, deliver the baby in Georgia, spend some time with our families on both sides of the country, and return to China after the winter holiday next year.  This means the baby will be almost 5 months old before his first international travel!  Pretty strange if you think about it.  It will be nice to not rush home from the hospital to apply for a passport, and it will also be nice for our family to have more time around the new baby - and for us to have lots of help. :)

And in case you were wondering, yes, we will buy Juliana a real birthday present as well.