Parenting
in another country can have it's challenges, particularly in a culture where
criticism is a primary form of showing concern.
While we get lots of comments about how pretty Juliana is (fair skin and
blue eyes are a big hit), we also get lots of comments about our bad
parenting. "Your baby is less than
3 months old and is OUTSIDE? Are you
trying to kill her? Quick, go home!" "Only two layers of clothing? Aiya!
Where is her giant quilt? She's
going to catch a cold and die!"
"Is that cold milk she is drinking?
That will kill her for sure!"
With our crazy parenting, it's really amazing Juliana has lasted this
long. :) Now that I am used to it and understand it more, the comments don't usually bother me too much, though we all have
our less-than-awesome parenting days when it would be really nice if someone
would say, "She's wearing the exact right amount of clothes! Good job!"
One of the
great things about parenting in another culture, though, is the
perspective. We freak out about a lot of
parenting things in America and constantly search for The Right Method. But when you realize a billion people are
doing things completely differently, it does make you think.
For
example, co-sleeping certainly happens in America, probably more often than
people admit, but it's still a taboo issue.
Even setting aside safety concerns, the social aspect is often viewed as
a little "out there." When I
told people Juliana slept in our bed about half the time for the first year,
they tended to look skeptical or scandalized.
"You will never get her out of your bed! How will she ever learn to sleep on her
own? She's way too dependent on
you!"
On the
other hand, when Chinese people found out that Juliana started sleeping in her
own bed in a different room at just 1 year old, they were equally skeptical or
scandalized. "What if she needed
you? Wasn't she scared and lonely? How did you ever get her to sleep by
herself? What if she kicked off her
blanket during the night and DIED of cold??" Chinese babies almost always sleep with their
parents, usually until they are a toddler or preschooler. Kevin's teacher still slept with her 5 year old twins (and was understandably a bit jealous of our sleeping arrangements). The concept of making babies independent or
self reliant is completely foreign.
When
Juliana was still waking up constantly during the night at 6 months and a year
old, I felt like it was unreasonable - why wouldn't she sleep?? Many Americans expect their babies to start
sleeping through the night as early as 3 or 4 months. When I told Chinese friends that Juliana was
still waking up during the night at a year old, they looked like they didn't
understand the problem. "Of course she is!
That's what babies do." The
cultural expectations are completely different.
Another
obvious area of difference is in potty training. We have recently been working on potty
training with Juliana, now 2.5, a pretty average time for an American
child. The average Chinese child,
however, starts potty training closer to 3 months of age. This practice is similar to what we call
Elimination Communication (EC) or infant potty training in the States (although
it's likely you've never heard the term if you don't operate in natural
parenting circles). The parents or
caretakers look for signs that the baby is ready to do his business - squirming
or grimacing, for example - then holds the baby over the toilet, a pot, or
pretty much anywhere outside. The baby
learns to recognize their whistle as a sign that it's time to go. Once babies reach toddlerhood, they squat
down on their own or with some help from parents. Split-pants make for easy potty access.
Some
Chinese parents use diapers at night or occasionally when going out, but it is
still very rare to see a diapered baby.
In fact, diapering your baby is mostly viewed as a sign of laziness.
People have been expressing surprise and disapproval at Juliana's diapers since
she before she was a year old.
When I
first moved to China, split pants instead of diapers seemed backward. We in the US are certainly more advanced than
that! I still have some issues with it,
like seeing a bare baby bottom sitting atop the table where you are about to
eat is a little disconcerting, and I do wish people would move their baby
directly out of the doorway before having them pee. But as time has gone on, and especially as we
have begun the potty training process ourselves, I have started to think the
Chinese (and really the majority of the world) have something here. No doubt they look at American toddlers still
in diapers at 3 years and think, "Man, we are certainly more advanced than
that!"
Not to say
that I judge parents whose toddlers are still in diapers at 3 or after. I truly don't. I really do think a lot of kids aren't ready
until then. But I think the biggest
reason is our whole system isn't designed to prepare kids for potty training
early. Many American doctors say that
children don't physically have any kind of control until at least 18 months,
which seems ridiculous when I look at 6 month old Chinese babies who obviously
do have a measure of control. I think it
has more to do with our cultural ideas of what potty training means and when it
is done. I have read that the US
actually potty-trains later than anywhere else in the world, and that potty
training has become a lot later since the use of disposable diapers.
I'm not
saying we should all ditch diapers - that's obviously not going to happen for
many reasons. One big reason is that
diapers are convenient. It's difficult
to pay attention to your baby's potty cues all the time, and it requires a lot
of individual attention. We did a little
EC with Juliana starting at 5 months, but only a very part-time. She would use the potty when she woke up,
after nap, or sometimes at diaper changes, but we never did much more than
that. I'd like to do a little more with
the next baby, but we'll see. I will be
even more busy with a preschooler running around too, but we will be using
cloth diapers next time, so there will
be a little extra motivation of saving on diaper laundry.
Diaperless
babies have gotten a good deal of press lately though from the New York Times,
Slate, and NPR - articles that discuss a growing (though still very small)
minority that use EC. I think if
Americans are still squeamish about breastfeeding in public, we aren't likely
going to be ready for bare-bottomed babies.
And I'd rather we work on getting over our Victorian-era breastfeeding
issues first. Whether negative or
positive, the general attitude of the articles seems to be, "hey, listen
to this crazy thing people are doing now!"
Which is kind of funny to me since everytime I step outside I see
diaperless babies.
I think
that's what I like about cross-cultural parenting. You realize that a lot of ideas that seem
crazy or radical in America are just the norm elsewhere. It doesn't mean that everyone else is right
and we are wrong (I do get a little tired of hearing about the French and their
perfect parenting methods...), and it doesn't mean that we are advanced and
everyone else is backward (I get really
tired of hearing that attitude!) it just means that just maybe there
are a lot of different "normal" ways to parent.
