We bought a house.
In America.
Well, we are in the process of buying a house. One Saturday
in June, on our third morning of house-hunting, our realtor got a call that one
of our prospects - 24 hours on the market - already had five offers. If we
thought it was a strong contender, we’d need to rush over and make a quick decision.
We rushed over to take a look, and we liked it enough to make ours offer number
six. Three hours after we saw the house, our offer was accepted.
In the months of waiting and wondering and knowing nothing
about the future, it’s hard to believe that we are suddenly moving forward so
quickly. No time for indecision.
You could say it all started on January 21st,
when we left China planning to return a few weeks later. As Covid spread,
February 12th became March 10th, became April 15th,
became “surely this summer,” and finally “Maybe Spring of 2021?” Now we think,“Maybe at least at some point we can get back to pack a few things? Maybe?”
I keep thinking, “We left for vacation and we can’t go back.
How does that happen?” I can’t imagine that happening in the US, but actually a
number of our friends have been in similar situations, even pre-Covid.
I can't say it was Covid or even our temporary homelessness that
caused us to buy a home in America.
After 15 years, we have decided to move back to the US.
That decision brings a cosmic shift in our lives. Our lives
will now be sliced into three pieces: before China, during China, post-China.
Because really, no matter where we are, China is now forever a part of our
lives. It has been our girls’ entire childhood, plus my entire adult life and
most of Kevin’s. It has been our jobs, our home, our way of life, and our
identity.
It was a hard decision, and it’s hard to describe the
process that led us there. It slowly
became clear to us that China was no longer the healthy place for our family. I
am naturally skeptical about the idea that “America will fix our problems.” In
case you’ve noticed, a few people in America deal with depression,
anxiety, or burnout, and shockingly some even yell at their kids. But we realized that
some of these struggles were specifically linked to China. Schooling, language,
uncertainty, a slight (entirely reasonable) paranoia, pollution, unrelenting
heaviness in the atmosphere, and just feeling out of place all the time, even
after all these years – it was all taking its toll.
Kevin and I each started to wonder, “Are we just staying in China because we
have lived there so long?” One day we voiced it aloud. We realized the answer might be yes. At this point in
our lives, staying in China really would have been the easier decision.
Uprooting ourselves from everything familiar is nearly as hard as deciding to move to China 15 years ago. We know how to live in China. Coming back to the US
means starting all over again with jobs, housing, cars, schools, friends,
furniture, dishes… It is like the
20-something figuring out adulthood – except we are 40ish with three kids! We are nearly two decades “behind".
We feel confident it is a good decision for us. I am
happy to be close to my family. We will be in the next town over from where I
grew up. My friend and I talked about how we went from the extreme of the other
side of the world to living 5 minutes from each other. It’s hard to believe
that I will be one of those people who lives where I grew up, with family
around. I have never been that person before.
We will have our own house with everything I dreamed of in
China: a backyard, a dishwasher, a front porch and a back screened porch, a
bedroom big enough to walk all the way around the bed, TWO bathrooms, hot
water in all the sinks, closets, and a whole room for laundry, a huge yard with tall trees - and did I mention A/C!! Some of those are pretty standard in typical American
homes, but it is all so exciting for us.
It is ironic to say "we are moving back to America" when
actually we are already here. Technically we still live in China, except we
can’t go back there. Most of our belongings are still there. Our clothes, my
computer, even Kevin’s wedding ring! (he misplaced it the day before we flew to
Thailand and didn’t have time to find it). The girls left their new Christmas
presents and Nadia’s birthday presents from just the week before.
Many of our closest friendships were made in China. We are
still committed to return temporarily if the doors reopen, even though we are
now 11 days from owning a home. I guess what has changed is we are moving from
unplanned, “what the heck is going on in life,” to purposefully moving forward
with American lives and all the American things. House, furniture, car, jobs,
schools, all the insurances we never needed in China.
This was not the way we were supposed to leave. We
left on vacation and can’t go back. We haven’t said goodbye to any of
our Chinese friends yet, because we can’t really. There’s still that
chance we could return for a few months or weeks next spring, maybe even to
teach a final semester, but more likely next summer, just to pack and say
goodbyes. Our hope of return diminishes with each Covid case and accusation
lobbed China’s way.
Now we have a beautiful American home to come back to if that chance
materializes. And a home to stay in if it doesn’t. I still can’t get
over that. Some days it feels like whiplash, some days like grief, and
sometimes I want to laugh at the sheer absurdity. It is the beginning and end of a dream.
We bought a house. In two weeks we will move in, unpack the
random belongings we do have, arrange the new (used) furniture, and buy a mop.
We will be all in, “buy a mop” kind of settled. I’m still not sure how I feel about that.
If you need me, I’ll be sitting on my back porch in my
rocking chair, drinking coffee and trying to figure it all out.
