You Might Be A China Foreigner If...

...an abnormal number of your family pictures were taken in airports

1. You frequently refer to yourself as “a foreigner.”
2. When you walk in the house, the first thing you do is shed your shoes.
3. You have a container of air filter masks beside your door.
4. Most of your friends have a drawer of reused ziplock bags.
5. You make home repairs with chopsticks, coat hangers, and random pieces of wood.
6. Your friends think your home repairs are ingenious instead of trashy
7. You give and receive cereal for Christmas.
8. You have carried a stroller, a baby, and groceries up 4-6 flights of stairs.
9. Taxi drivers frequently ask how much money you make.
10. You have asked other people about their salary, age, weight, or how much they paid for their belongings
11. You plan your laundry by how many clothes you can dry on your laundry porch
12. You have favorite cities from which to browse the internet via VPN (I’m partial to Toronto)
13. You have at least 25 backup locations for your VPN and routinely go through 3-6 of them trying to get a connection.
14. People stop in the road, or slow down to drive right next to you, so they can stare at you.
15. You have ever inadvertently caused a traffic accident because someone was staring at you while driving.
16. A friend has told you you look fat to your face and doesn't expect you to be offended.
17. Your children frequently confuse the American and Chinese flags, because they both have some stars.
18. Some part of your ceiling is crumbling, but then so is everyone else’s.
19. Your refrigerator is in a room other than your kitchen.
20. One third of your small freezer space is filled with either coffee or cheese.
21. You have been criticized for not dressing your baby in thick, padded layers when it is 80*F outside.
22. Your 1-2 month old baby is met with horror instead of delight - because what are you thinking bringing them outside??
23. Your “family vehicle” is half the size of a compact car and maxes out at 25mph.
24. You have ever had a stranger show at your door and try to invite themselves in to hang out with you.
25. You have ever had a stranger follow you around the supermarket, down the road, or back to your apartment, begging you to tutor their child or teach at their school.
26. You have ever had a strange guy try to get your phone number - and he wasn’t hitting on you.
27. A child has ever stopped and stared at you open mouthed or run away screaming.
28. You have ever looked outside your window and noticed half a dozen new high rise buildings going up.
29. One of your first thoughts when pregnant is, "What country will we have the baby in?"
30. Your friends think you are strange for not leaving your baby in another country with the grandparents.
31. Your unborn baby has ever been complimented on her "tall" nose and foreign features.
32. You have ever had a doctor call out your weight, lift up your shirt, or discuss bodily symptoms in front of a room full of (fascinated) strangers.
33. You have been asked why your 1 year old baby is still in diapers.
34. You choose your clothing based on how well it will survive in the washer, how quickly it will line dry, 
35. You choose pajamas that are acceptable for your neighbors to see, because at least 50 windows look into your own.
36. You have an ayi who helps clean your house or babysit your children - amaaaaaazing.
37. Your ayi loves your family and also thinks you are insane.
38. Your floor looks dirty 30 minutes after mopping, even though you never wear shoes inside.
39. You start to wonder if you did get sick because of going barefoot on tile, drinking cool water, or sitting in front of a fan.
40. Your doctor or nurse has taken pictures with you or your children.
41. Whenever you travel, you wear your heaviest shoes.
42. You have ever traveled with a backpack that was heavier than your checked bag…and you weren’t backpacking.
43. You prefer squatty-potties in public because you don’t have touch anything.
44. You are shocked and excited to find soap in a public bathroom.
45. You have ever carried a tiny cup of urine across an entire hospital to the lab.
46. You have ever rifled through 50 strangers’ lab results to find your own.
47. You request everyone buy your children small, lightweight toys.
48. The concept of closets is now a little perplexing to you.
49. You have a fruit lady, a bike guy, a milk guy, a vegetable lady, and a honey guy.
50. You buy your meat in the morning before it gets too hot.
51. Your milk, eggs, noodles, and soup all come in little plastic bags.
52. Your children will only eat yogurt if it comes through a straw.
53. When you have been to a restaurant the waitresses have “borrowed” your baby to show around - leaving you with free hands for eating!
54. You have biked in a skirt or holding an umbrella.
55. You consider any flight less than 6 hours “short.”
56. You ask your friends questions like, “Where do you find three ring binders? Who is your online cheese seller?”
57. Your children are photographed by strangers pretty much every day.
58. There are literally thousands of pictures of your children all over the internet.
59. Whenever you go to a tourist attraction, tourists are as interested in you as the famous site.
60. You have ever gotten your picture in the paper for wearing short sleeves before May 1^st.

Chinese phone conversations

By Kevin

I have a confession to make. I hate making phone calls, particularly to strangers.

It was one of my least favorite parts about being a journalist. I hated being the interruption to somebody's day. I hated the impersonal nature of it. But it was a necessary evil. If I wanted the story, I had to make dozens of calls a day. So I sucked it up and did it. For an introvert like me, it was always a task. It wasn't something I did on the spur of the moment. It took deliberation. It was a means to an end. I even got to the point where I didn't mind it so much because I can type much more quickly (and legibly) than I can take notes by hand.

If I hated making phone calls in America, imagine my hesitation in China. For my first year in China, I didn't even have a cell phone. I enjoyed the freedom of being able to go for a hike in the hills behind campus and not have to worry about it ringing with some pressing need. My students and superiors all had my home number. That was good enough.

I only broke down and bought one because Ruth and I were dating and I wanted another way to talk to her on the days when our Internet in Tonghua cut off at 11 p.m., making Skype useless. I also decided I'd need something I case I needed help getting out of inevitable travel difficulties on my first solo domestic China trip to see her in Yangzhou. But I only spoke English. Only to friends. In fact, the only people I gave my number to were friends -- and if they were my friend, at that time, they could speak English. If someone on an unrecognized number spoke Chinese to me, I apologized, told them I was a foreigner and my Chinese was bad, and hung up. If it was important, they'd find an English speaker to help them call again.

Year three, when we moved to Weinan, I was forced to pick up the phone and call my first Chinese stranger: the water delivery company. In China, you can't drink the tap water, so you must purify your own water with a boiler or filter or buy bottles of purified water (a bit like those 5-gallon Sparkletts bottles you can sign up for in the States). The first words out of my mouth (in Chinese) were: "I am a foreigner." Then, reading from a script, I informed them that we needed them to deliver a bottle of purified water to my door. I crossed my fingers and hoped that they'd understood. Thankfully, the water company had gotten the routine down from the previous foreigners who lived there, so as soon as they saw our telephone number on their caller ID, they knew the drill. Before long, I just had to tell them I was the foreigner on the third floor. An hour later, water would magically appear. Success. I could speak Chinese. As long as it was written out in script form. If they varied from the script, I was utterly lost. I usually just went back to the top and repeated myself. In Tonghua, this wasn't an issue mainly because I had a water purifier in my apartment, so I never had to order water delivery. This continued for years three through five. My Chinese improved incrementally in that span of time, but not enough to branch out beyond the now memorize script, plus a few variations.

Year six in Yinchuan was the start of language school. Day one, we repeated the water ordering routine we'd established in Weinan, first informing them I was a foreigner, then explaining our need for water and where we lived.

A month later, one of our homework assignments was to call information and ask for a particular phone number. I was so spooked when the operator asked me to repeat my request (the name of a park) that I had to call back a second time to get the number right. I continued to avoid phone calls.

Halfway through the year, I signed up for a Taobao account (kinda like an Amazon.com of China, though China also has Amazon.com). I figured it would be easy, I'd use Google translate to sort out any problems I had with ordering, then the items would arrive. The delivery guy would either call or send a message upon arrival (most domestic deliveries in China don't arrive via the standard postal service), but it wouldn't be too difficult, even with beginner Chinese. Then one of the orders was bad. Apparently sometimes Taobao merchants continue to list items that are out of stock. So one day, after ordering something, the merchant called to explain to me that they didn't have the item. It took me awhile to figure out that she was asking if I wanted another similar item or if they should return the money. Eventually I figured out to just ask for a refund. It didn't make me enjoy talking on the phone any more.

An aversion to talking on the phone isn't exactly a great trait to have as a language student. Some students might relish the challenge of a phone conversation. They might be excited to see how well they can communicate. They may be excited to see if the other speaker is able to guess that they aren't Chinese. Generally that isn't me. I just want utility. Usually talking on the phone is nothing more than a necessary evil.

The one highlight to my phone experience in China was when one day, I had to order more propane. Our apartment has a small 10 gallon propane tank underneath the counter to run our stove burner. It needs a refil every 8 months or so. Anyway, when the delivery guy arrived, he was shocked that I was a foreigner. It was the ultimate compliment: I hadn't made enough pronunciation or grammar mistakes in my short phone conversation to reveal myself as a non-native speaker. I was ecstatic.

I should probably put today's phone calls in the "language win" column. After all, in the end I was successful at completing my task. I think. But after a rash of miscommunication, it feels like it belongs in the "loss column."

Let me explain. We will be moving next week. Ruth is 6 months pregnant and I fell down while jogging two weeks ago. Nothing was broken, but I scraped the knuckles of my left pinke badly enough that I still can't bend it and sprained my wrist badly enough that twisting bottles and lifting heavy boxes is out of the question. Not ideal timing for us to move. Since we live on the sixth floor and will be moving to the third, we need to hire movers to do the heavy lifting. Thankfully hiring movers plus a van here costs less than renting a moving van in the States.

So I called up some movers recommended by my Korean classmate (who ironically taught at the same college in Tonghua as I did the year after I left -- but that's a different story). My classmate said they charged them 200 RMB for the move, which is half of what some American friends paid for their move. The caveat -- their new building has an elevator. So the operator answered and cut quickly to the chase: where were we moving from and to, how much stuff and what floors. She didn't recognize the new apartment complex, so I explained that it's just across the street from our campus gate. I explained that we have very little furniture, just a wardrobe and a crib and 40 or so boxes of various sizes. Then the floor - sixth to third. It took her a few seconds and she gave me a quote: 350 RMB. Reasonable, but I figured I'd try another mover.

Yesterday, my classmate Kevin -- whose apartment we will be moving into -- had arranged to move some other furniture and boxes belonging to our friend Kaylene into his apartment at Cai Xiao (the name of the complex). Kaylene had to leave early last year for medical reasons and plans to return to a different city in China after she recovers. So we packed up her stuff, bought some of her furniture (since our new apartment is mostly unfurnished) and decided to store it all in our apartment while we are in the States awaiting the birth of baby #2.

Kevin had also bought some of her stuff, so he called the movers and got a quote that he could move the stuff -- from floor 2 to floor 3 of Cai Xiao -- for 260 RMB per truckload. Plus, the movers would charge a little extra for big stuff like refrigerators and giant wardrobes. He set it up for Tuesday morning. Kevin said the guy's Chinese was a bit hard to understand, but he'd worked things out fine. Granted, of everyone in our class, Kevin's Chinese is the best. Every semester he gets the award for being the best student in class.

So, since I also needed movers, today, I sent the same mover a text message with the details of our move and asking for a quote, hoping to avoid a phone conversation that would immediately reveal me as a foreigner. But when he hadn't replied after an hour, I decided to give him a call.

I asked if he'd received my text message and told him I wanted to move from Ning Da to Cai Xiao (our new complex). Immediately, he seemed confused. "You called earlier about moving on Tuesday, right?" he asked. I feigned ignorance."No. That must be someone else." I didn't want to admit that I was a foreigner. Often the price quoted to a foreigner is significantly higher than that offered to a Chinese. I didn't want to be a target for being cheated. I just told him that I wanted to move on Friday. I didn't mention that my friend had spoken with him yesterday. He said that he'd already said that it would be 260 because He charges by the truckload.

A couple hours later, he called me back. "I just saw your text message," he said. "If it's not the second floor to the third floor, but the sixth to the third, it is more agonizing (Sometimes Chinese is a bit melodramatic -- word used to explain difficulty -- 痛苦 -- literally means pain and bitterness). "The price will be 350 RMB." So, a bit more than 20 RMB extra per extra floor.

Then he asked, "Aren't you the international friend I spoke with yesterday?" I told him I wasn't. I'd been foiled. So had Kevin. How he figured it out I'll never know. Was it my limited vocabulary or my repeated requests for him to repeat himself. Who was I kidding? I'd mostly hoped he would think I was someone from a different province, whose Mandarin was poor. "But you are moving to Cai Xiao also, right?" "Yes." I gave in. "Yes, my friend spoke with you before. He is moving from another apartment to Cai Xiao on Tuesday. I am moving from Ning Da to Cai Xiao on Friday."

We'd thoroughly confused the poor guy. I was afraid that might happen. Now I'm hoping he still shows up on Tuesday. Maybe I'll wait till then to decide if it goes in the "language win" or "language loss" column.

Foreign Experts Once Again

It's only been 1.5 years since we were "foreign teachers" (although 2.5 years since I was actually in the classroom), but sometimes I forget how different our life is as foreign students.  Not just our daily activity, but also our status in China.  We certainly still get lots of attention as foreigners, but we live on a campus with close to 100 foreign students, half of whom look noticeably foreign.  People almost get used to us.  As foreign students, we have no prestige.  But as teachers, we actually carry a "Foreign Expert Card," which we sometimes literally use to "pull the foreigner card."

Yesterday we helped with a Christmas program for another university in Yinchuan, and we got a reminder of what it was like to be Foreign Experts again.  We don't know any foreign teachers at that university - there may not be any - but we had a few connections so our team decided to go help out.  This campus was only about a 25 minute bike ride away, but it was pretty far out on the edge of town.  Past long rows of greenhouses and mud sheds.  Past large fields of newly sprouting trees.  Past the fancy new buildings of other college campuses also sprouting up on the edge of town.  No neighborhoods, no shops, no restaurants - just one bus stop down the road and a few fruit sellers by the campus gate.  A group of mini-vans for hire waited on across the road since no taxis come out this way.  Their drivers were gathered around a bonfire, waiting for someone to come along and request their services.

This is not a top-level or even mid-level school.  The students are almost all from small Ningxia towns.  Many of them have probably never seen a foreigner before and most have never talked to one.  The word about the Christmas program spread and the original 70 students mushroomed into a couple hundred.  The teachers scrambled to move us into a new classroom - a large auditorium with stadium seating and giant screens connected to a computer in the front.  This campus was only a year or two old, and it was still looking quite new and fancy.  The teachers ushered us in, eager to show how much they were honored by our presence and wondrously amazed to find we could speak Chinese.  See what I mean?  Prestige.  Nobody treats students this way.

Our friends who were heading up the program talked about some different Christmas traditions and beliefs, interspersed with the whole group coming up to sing several Christmas carols.  When the students spotted our teammate's daughters (Juliana had stayed at home), a couple hundred cell phones whipped out and started snapping pictures.  Each time we came up to sing a Christmas song, the students clapped enthusiastically and took more pictures. 

After the formal presentation was over we moved to different corners of the room for question and answer.  The students shyly gathered around and awkwardly looking at each other hoping someone would talk.  A couple of brave boys came in a little closer and several girls linked arms for moral support. 

One of the brave boys shook my hand and said, "Nice to meet you!  You are very beautiful."  I had to laugh.  I almost forgot how people used to say that all the time.  I'm not being vain, they really did.  Guy and girl students, random grandmas and shopkeepers.  Usually at inappropriate times like when you are trying to have a serious conversation with them or trying to buy milk at the supermarket.  I would be more flattered but mostly they think I am beautiful because I look so foreign and because I have such white skin, which is enviable in China.  And because I have yellow hair and blue eyes.  I don't have either, by the way, but reality does little to sway preconceived notions.

In between awkward pauses the brave boys yell out mildly coherent questions.  They are supposed to be related to Christmas, but we give that up after a few minutes because really any question will be an accomplishment.  The usual questions proceed, in somewhat more garbled English than normal.  They also repeat their questions in Chinese, which is helpful when the English doesn't make a lot of sense.  When in doubt I just make up my own question to answer and they are happy since they don't understand most of what I respond anyway.

When the awkward silences start to build up, I try asking them questions instead.  Where are they from - that's usually easy enough to understand, what year are they -  freshmen, what do they do when they have free time - sleep, shop, one girl said "farm work.

Over in Kevin's group, the students are even more intimidated by the thought of trying to talk to two guys.  Kevin looms about two heads above the group.  The students are all too shy to ask questions, so their teacher starts ask questions for them.  "These students are not very good," she says, "Their English scores on the GaoKao (the huge standardized test to get into university) were around 30 out of 150pts."  Not exactly a motivating speech, but if the students even understood, they are probably used to hearing that type of thing.  The main education philosophy seems to include "learn through shame and scolding."  The students know this is not such a great school, but probably some of them are just happy to be going to any college.

I've missed students.  I miss their awkward shyness as they stand around forgetting every word of English they've ever learned but still desperately hoping you'll talk to them.  I miss how intimidated they are just by the foreign face.  They are so cute and so young at 20 going on 15.  I want to get to know them better, especially these students who have likely never been to a city bigger than Yinchuan.  I even miss their dumb questions like, "Can you use chopsticks?" (after I just told them this is my seventh year in China), their ever-repeated questions, "Do you like China?  Do you like Chinese food?", and of course the one that never will die, "How do I improve my oral English?"  I miss even that.

As the time ends and the students file out, they stop to mob us for photos.  Once the photo ops start it's hard to end them, with a dozen more students crowding around waiting to grab your arm and turn you toward the appropriate camera-phone wielding student.  I forgot what it was like to be all famous.  Tonight my picture will go up on twenty more qq or renren pages (kind of like Facebook), probably with some caption like, "My foreign friend!!  Did I mention we are very close?  Like best friends!  p.s. She knows Obama."`

Strange

Yesterday toward the end of class I looked out the window. I do this a lot, but what was strange about this day was the Chinese girl standing about 6” from the window staring in at us. That wasn't too strange of itself, since we are foreigners and get plenty of stares. But ten minutes later when she was still standing staring at us, that was pretty weird. Our teacher saw her staring in the window and looked surprised but she kept on teaching. I kept giving her weird, “Why are you still staring at us?” looks. Usually after a few of these looks people will get embarrassed and move away, but this girl continued to stare with an impassive face.

When class ended the teacher whispered as I walked by, “Why was she staring? That was very strange.” I said we are foreigners so a lot of people want to look at us, but yes, that was strange. As I walked out of the building the girl was loitering by the door. The building manager (man who lives in the building, keeps an eye on things, and keeps it in good shape) was talking to her unhappily, I gather telling her to go away. The building man then came over to talk to one of the teachers nearby,  my past writing teacher Li Laoshi. He something about how this girl kept hanging around and he didn't know why.

When I walked outside to get my bike, the girl stood by the doorway staring at me. Li Laoshi came out and sternly asked her, “Are you looking for someone?” The girl didn't answer, just kept standing there. Getting more stern, Li Laoshi said, “If you aren't looking for someone then you need to leave!” The girl didn't respond, just kept standing there. I like Li Laoshi a lot, but when she gets stern, most people listen.

As I prepared to head off on my bike, the girl turned to me and finally asked, “Where are you from?” I told her America and then biked away. I'm used to staring, and I'm used to people asking where I'm from, but it was all still very strange. I couldn't decide if she was either not quite right in the head or if she was just a very simple country girl with no social graces and a large foreigner curiosity.