The World According to Children, Part 1

I really don't think I'm biased in saying my kids are extraordinarily funny. I have so many good quotes, I had to divide them into a blog series.

JULIANA, 5 YEARS

While pregnant with Nadia.

Me: Right now, baby is the size of a carrot.

Juliana: A carrot?? I've never seen a carrot come out of someone's belly.

Me: No, that's just how big it is.

J: The carrot's brother or sister?

Me: No, the baby.

J: The baby carrot?

Me: No! carrots grow in the ground. I'm just talking about the size of the baby.

J: So it's a person baby?

Me: Yes!

J: Oh...I knew it was a person baby. I just thought its name was carrot.

 

JULIANA, 4 YEARS

Juliana: I will marry God and then I will be a princess.

Me: You mean a nun?

Juliana: I will marry daddy and then I will be a princess.

Kevin: I'm already married to mama.

Juliana: It's okay. You can stop being married to her and then you can marry me.

(a few minutes later) How will I know if someone loves me? I think you and mama can find someone for me to marry.

Kevin: You might change your mind about an arranged marriage, but we can help you to know if someone really loves you.

Juliana: EVERYONE loves me.

 

JULIANA, 3 YEARS

Juliana: Moo, moo, moo.

Mama: Are you a cow?

Juliana: No, I'm a girl who says 'moo.' 

 

JULIANA, 4 YEARS

Juliana, struggling with her clothes: "I'm trying to get my shirt tucked into my pants, but it just won't LISTEN to me! "'

 

JULIANA, 3 YEARS 

Juliana: Yaya! I'm making your stairs beautiful!

(as she puts Mickey Mouse stickers on the stairs)  

Me: The stairs might not be the best place for stickers.

Juliana with shocked expression: You don't want beautiful stairs? Yes you do!

 

JULIANA, 5 YEARS

Did you know you can eat ice that's clean? Did you know that? I ate ice once. But it was a long time ago. #thirdculturekid

 

NADIA, 5 YEARS

Nadia to Adalyn: 

How do you spell mama? 

How do you spell dada?

How do you spell stop? 

How do you spell George Washington?

 

NADIA, 2 YEARS 

Desert book: "What do you think of when you think of the desert?"

Nadia: "Um...Pandas!!"

Desert book: "desert, desert, desert..."

Nadia: "Where's the pandas?"

 

NADIA, 3 YEARS 

Finishing Nadia's birthday cake.

Me: My arm is so sore from mixing.

Nadia: My arm is so sore from tasting.

 

ADALYN, 8 YEARS

Adalyn, whispering to mama: The secret message is "Valentine’s card break."

Nadia: I heard you! You said valentines. And you said break. "

Adalyn: No, I was talking about something else. I said Barack. I said I wonder what Barack Obama is doing for Valentines Day.

 

JULIANA, 8 YEARS

Driving to the store with just Juliana.

Juliana: It's pretty nice to have only one kid in the car. It's much calmer, isn't it? I can hear the songs on the radio. I like that. It's nice to have some peace and quiet." ... [talks continuously the rest of the way]

NADIA, 3 YEARS

When our plane was taking off to fly back to China, I suggested Nadia say goodbye to America. She said, "Bye bye America! Bye bye America! [perturbed] It's not saying goodbye back to me!!"

 

NADIA, 5 YEARS 

Me: "There's no place like home."

Nadia: That's not true. There are SOME places like home.

Me: It means that home is the best place to be.

Nadia: Well, I think Chuck-E-Cheese is the best place to be.

 

JULIANA, 3 YEARS 

Juliana outside on the swing: "Hi shadow, how are you today? I'm fine. Shadow, what did you do beautiful today?"

 

ADALYN, 7 YEARS

There is a pop song the girls like that says, "I like me better when I'm with you."

Today Adalyn was singing, "I like everyone better when I'm alone." 

She has a point.

 

ADALYN, 1.5 YEARS

Adalyn standing next to me as I was cutting up a banana for her oatmeal: "I'm sorry 'nana!"

 

ADALYN, 8 YEARS 

I just found the best thing in my life - this wrapping paper roll!

 

JULIANA, 3 YEARS

Juliana at lunch: I was glabroabua...

Me: We can't understand you when your mouth is full.

(A few minutes later)

Me: Juliana, I need you to sit back down and finish eating.

Juliana: I can't understand you because my mouth is full.

 

NADIA, 5 YEARS

Nadia: What's this?

Me: It's a card from a friend, saying they are sorry that Anna died.

Nadia: Why are they sorry? They didn't kill her.

 

JULIANA, 7 YEARS

Packing to move, the girls discovered a bag of throwaways.

Juliana: You can’t get rid of this! I’ve been looking for it! It’s my favorite!!

Me: It’s a hanger.

 

JULIANA, 4 YEARS

Juliana, looking at her Barbie backpack: Who is that?

Me: Maybe Cinderella?

Juliana: NO! it's Barb...eque.

 

ADALYN, AGE 6

Adalyn: Barbies are different from people. Because Barbies can turn their heads all the way around.

 

JULIANA, 2.5 YEARS 

Juliana's expert travel advice: "You ride on an airplane. You ride on a train. You drive on a bus. If you touch trash you get sick. If you don't sit in your seat you go CRASH fall down. And then you go waa-waa!"

 

ADALYN, 8 YEARS

You know the best time to kiss someone (on the lips)? When your lips are dry. 

 

NADIA, 4 YEARS 

Nadia: Do we have a xylophone here?

Me: I think so. It's a little different from the one in China though.

Nadia: WE DIDN'T BRING OUR XYLOPHONE??

 

ADALYN, 8 YEARS

Today we didn't wear masks to church for the first time in a long time, so I put on some lipstick in the car. As I was blotting it with a tissue, Adalyn said, "Oh no, do you have a bloody nose?" I guess it's been a while. 

 

JULIANA, 2.5 YEARS

Me: Do you want banana in your Chex (cereal)?

Juliana: I want...I want a CAKE in my Chex.

 

 

NADIA, 3 YEARS; ADALYN, 5 YEARS 

(jetlagged) 

4:30am trying to get Nadia to go back to sleep:

N, screaming at the top of her lungs, "IT'S BORING TO SLEEP!!"

 

9:30am trying to get Adalyn to put clothes on:

A, lying on the stairs wailing dramatically, "I hate paaaaaants!!"

 

JULIANA, 2 YEARS 

Juliana has taken to asking and answering the questions she thinks we should be asking her. In her imaginary world we give her everything she wants.

Juliana: "Do you want another cracker? Okay! Another cracker!!"

 

JULIANA, 5 YEARS 

Kevin: I have ancestors from Sweden, and Norway, and Netherlands.

Juliana: NEVERLAND??

 

 

Sick

Once upon a time I thought that sickness meant being sick. You feel gross, you take medicine, you press through when you have to and get extra sleep when you can, you get better. Then I had children. And my children got sick all the time. And I got sick all the time too. And I realized that sickness effects everything.

Sickness is exhaustion. It is baby waking up every 10 minutes because she is too miserable to sleep. It is baby “sleeping” on top of you, elbow in your face, knees in your side, moving restlessly. It is middle of the night throw-ups: wiping faces, changing pajamas, stripping sheets, settling a pale child back into bed. It is daddy putting on new sheets while mama deals with crying child. It is the washing machine going in the middle of the night. It is lying in bed with children climbing all over you because you are too tired to get up in the morning.

Sickness is nursing and nursing and nursing. It is wishing you had stopped nursing by now. It is being so glad you are still nursing, when your baby or toddler won’t drink anything else and is looking increasingly less pudgy than a few days ago. It is nursing your almost 2 year old in the middle of the night, even though you finally got her night-weaned months ago, because she is so miserable and just needs comfort.

Sickness is an everlasting fever chart. It is peering confusedly at the medicine record, bleary eyed in the middle of the night. It is feeling that telltale hot forehead and knowing it is starting all over again. It is finally throwing out the fever chart and then reluctantly starting a new one the next day. It is owning 6 thermometers because somehow they never seem to work.

Sickness is trying to keep track of who is supposed to have medicine. It is managing to get your children properly medicated but realizing you forgot to take your own medicines, again, even though you really aren’t supposed to miss it.

Sickness is vitamin C and elderberry, probiotics and apple cider vinegar and essential oils and hand cleaner...and wondering if they will do any good against germs coughed directly into your mouth. Sickness is toddler who won’t leave your lap coughing into your food at every meal, and wiping her nose on your shirt, and drinking from everyone else’s water bottles. It is children who remember to cover their mouths...sometimes...and who use tissue to wipe their noses...when you remind them.

Sickness is coming down with your own sickness when already worn down from nights of comforting and days of carrying around a fussy, clingy baby. It is planning your day around possible naptimes. It is not having enough voice to read home school. It is dragging yourself out of bed to make chicken soup. It is children watching too much TV. It is everything you own exploded all over the floor.

Sickness is slowly getting better – itching to clean that mess which is driving you crazy, catching up on home school reading with a scratchy throat, dealing with the dire laundry situation. It is arms so tired, hanging up the clothes. It is dizziness. It is the decision whether to press on or to lie down and rest.

Sickness is trying to listen to your body, when it says you need to rest or you might fall over and die. But sometimes your body says, “What you really need is coffee. Lots of coffee and sugar and carbs.” And sometimes it says, “I hate you. Why are you so mean to me? How would you like some double pneumonia,” and you don’t need that kind of crap right now.

Sickness is wondering why there isn’t more public recognition of the monumental milestone of “learning to throw up in a bowl,” because it may be second only to “sleeping through the night.” It is when everyone has been throwing up enough you start to hear phantom throw-up sounds.

Sickness is toast and crackers and electrolyte popcicles. It is rejecting any food or drink. It is ravenous hunger before you are allowed to eat. It is excitement over the first real food – an egg or that blessed first peanut butter sandwich.

Sickness is asthma flare-ups and extra inhalers and that barky, croupy cough going on and on.

Sickness is lying in bed looking out the window at the waning sun, darkness falling over your room like a weight, like depression. It is the knowledge that you have spent almost all day in bed, and bed feels like a prison. It is summoning energy to get children to bed amidst the evening fever rise, feeling stale and dirty but too weak to shower, looking ahead to another sleepless night.

Sickness is the disappointment of canceled plans. Missing a rare party or your child’s performance or a date with a friend. It is staying home with sick children during the holidays. It is having to tell your child that she won’t be able to go to the party she has been talking about all week. It is your toddler insistently bringing you her shoes wondering why she never gets to go outside anymore.

Sickness is confinement. It is days without stepping outside the confines of the apartment. It is well-children going stir crazy, because you can’t even send them outside to play. It is well-children missing school because you don’t want to take the sick children out in the cold and pollution.

Sickness is anxiety. It is looking helplessly at your listless child who has hardly sat up in two days. It is listening to your baby’s rapid heart rate and labored breathing. It is the dread of having to go back to the local hospital. It is self-prescribing. It is finally going to the hospital...waiting in lines and lines with sick people who touch your child’s face. It is the 30 second check up and antibiotics you hope are actually warranted. It is the fear that it could be something serious. It is searching Google, even though it will try to convince you it is cancer or TB or the plague.

Sickness is kids who act like jerks, even when they aren’t the sick ones. It is being an even bigger jerk than your children, when you are supposed to be thirty years more mature. It is taking a while to even feel bad about being a jerk because the whole world is stupid and deserves your full wrath. It is parents snapping at each other, even though we know we are both just tired, so tired and not feeling well.

It is hoping your kids forget the jerk-mom and remember the one who put a cool washcloth on a hot forehead. It is cups of juice with bendy straws and crackers to nibble. It is making meals you are too sick to eat. It is realizing your baby would sleep if only you stood rocking her for the next 10 hours. It is little heads drooped on big shoulders, little hands wound through hair. It is finally seeing the shine return to their eyes.

If, of course, you aren’t too sick to notice.

This Is The Age

I am the first to admit (and complain) that this age is hard.  So hard, so exhausting, so constant. Some days I long for the girls to be older. When Adalyn stops throwing tantrums...When Nadia stops eating things off the floor...When Juliana stops wanting someone with her when she falls asleep every night...
But tonight at bath-time I remembered:

This is the age of rubber duckies and washcloth puppets.  The girls are excited to don their princess towels that fit over their heads like dresses, and Adalyn worries, "Where is Elsa's face and feet?" ("You are Elsa's face and your feet are her feet.")

This is the age of boardbooks and picture books, some torn and chewed and falling apart because they were everyone's favorites (and apparently tasted good too).  I still read the same story over and over at bedtime when Nadia starts for another book, then decides Quiet LOUD deserves another re-read.   Adalyn loves following a little girl through her bedtime routine in My Goodnight Book, asking why we don't do exactly every step the same way.

This is the age of stories and songs and prayers before bed.  It is daddy's rides to bed and the blanket just so, or all the right stuffed animals cuddled around. It is frantic calls from the bedroom - when you just want to finally be alone - to say, "MAMA, I didn't give you a kiss!!"

This is the age of excitment.  New bandaids call for imaginary cuts. A visit from a friend is a good reason to jump up and down.  A carton of yogurt satisfies every need, at least for the moment.  They exult over pumpkins and stickers and anything new.  They rush to be the bearer of good news, "Juliana we are eating MAC AND CHEESE for lunch!!"

This is the age of peanut butter sandwiches.  Gallons of peanut butter smeared across bread and jelly spread too liberally by a young hand.  It is making lunch special with "double decker sandwiches" or making lunch exactly the same every single day.  It is "girled cheese," which we know means a piece of bread with cheese on top, microwaved just enough to be fully melted but not too bubbly.


This is the age of songs - endless requests to listen to Moana or Capital Kids! or Go Down Moses.  At bedtime it is "Daddy, sing a made up song that's not true about a Yes."  At school time it is Nadia requesting "JEEEEE," bobbing her head and clapping enthusiastically to "Jesus Loves Me."  On the road it is Juliana singing the same line over and over until it is stuck in your head for all eternity.

This is the age of simple problems.  Adalyn called me booty! Nadia is sitting on my drawing! Juliana won't let me play with her!  Why do I have to clean up my toys every night - I do everything around here!  The stool is not pulled out far enough at the sink, the soap is too far away, the counter is too cold to lean against, you are always making me wash my hands and you are RUINING MY LIFE!

This is the age of hugs in the morning and joy when you return home.  It is, "Mama, you are the best mama ever," and "WHY does daddy have to go teach? I just want him to stay here." It is nose kisses and imploring arms and let me poke my finger in your belly button just one more time.  It is love so intense it clings and wraps and holds on because it cannot imagine life without you.

And yes, it is the age of tantrums and sleeplessness and neediness and screaming. It is the age of toddlers crying at your feet while you try to cook dinner.  It is whining and bickering and crying  and did I mention screaming? It is putting a blanket back on, or finding a pacifier, or making trips to the bathroom, or sitting through night terrors, or putting that stupid blanket back on again, every single night.

But we get duckies and boardbooks and so many giggles.  We get bright eyes and smiles at 6:30am.  We get soft cheeks against ours, little hands searching for our own, little bodies smushed against us for protection and comfort.  We are the miracle workers with all the answers, fixing problems with bandaids and crackers and do-overs.

We see glorious, energetic, confident dances around the living room, because they haven't yet learned to be self-conscious.  We experience all the raw emotions they haven't yet learned to hide.  We glimpse the black and white world as they see it, full of right and wrong and good guys and bad guys, before everything gets confusing. We are peppered with anger, such honest over-the-top anger, and showered with love, given freely and abundantly, as if they could never run out.

Tips for Air Travel: Pregnancy through Preschool

As we waited in the security line, 2 hours into our 33 hours of travel, Juliana chatted with the family next to us. “We're flying to China! We live there! We're going to fly on THREE airplanes!”

The mother gave me an incredulous look. “Is that true?? I've been stressing about traveling with two kids across the country! How do you do it?”

I'm not a travel expert, but I do have an awful lot of experience flying with little kids. I stopped keeping track of Juliana's flights once she hit 50-something several years ago. Here are my tips for making travel (especially the ridiculous 24+hr variety) manageable.

Flying while Pregnant

...Don't do it.

But in case you, like me, try to fit multiple international trips into each pregnancy, here's what I suggest.

• Stay hydrated. Bring lots of snacks
• If still dealing with nausea, snack often, keep peppermints within reach, stock up on the air sickness bags, and may God have mercy upon you. You might still end up in the family bathroom puking in a trashcan while your child sympathetically yells, “Gross! Gross!” But most likely you'll survive.
• In the later trimesters, wear compression socks and move around often. It's not like you'll be sleeping anyway.
• Find out the latest date on which your practitioner recommends traveling and plan your trip for that exact day. Or earlier, if you like to take the fun out of things.
• Check individual airline requirements and restrictions for traveling while pregnant. Some recommend a note from your doctor or don't allow travel after a certain point. Having a letter stating your due date and current health is always a good idea.
• Don't read any stories about babies being born on airplanes. You don't need that stress.

Flying with Babies

….It's actually not so bad.

• Bring extra clothes for everyone involved.
• Before you get on the flight, try to make sure people have a good view of the cute happy baby so they can keep that visual in mind later when baby is not quite so happy.
• Consider whether a stroller or carrier (or both) will be most convenient for your travel. You can pile all your bags in a stroller and have a place to set baby down, but it's a pain in security and can get beat-up, even if gate-checked. A carrier means more weight for you to carry, but it's small and can be easier to deal with. Sometimes you won't even have to take it off at security, depending on how lenient the security officer is.
• For a small baby on a long flight, request a bassinet. It's handy for diaper changes and a place to set baby while you eat, and if you're lucky baby might even sleep in there! A bassinet also means you get bulkhead seating.
• A lightweight scarf works great for discreet nursing in close quarters. Less cumbersome than a nursing cover and doesn't shout “Hey everyone, check out my giant drape! I'm nursing!” but can provide some cover up. Baby can't pull it down, since it's around your neck. If baby hates being covered, like most babies, just pile it loosely on top of baby leaving the face clear.
• A button-up shirt (only buttoned at the top) over a pull-down tank top allows for great coverage even without anything else.
• If baby has started eating solids, make sure you bring what you need – including a bib and baby spoon. Once you hit finger foods: Cheerios. 24 hours worth of Cheerios.

Flying with Toddlers

…bless your heart.

• The generally accepted hardest age for travel is around 9 months – 2 years, when your baby/toddler is mobile and not old enough to be entertained long. Accept that it's just going to be hard, but that it will get progressively easier with lengthening attention span.
• Let your toddler be active whenever possible. Some airports have kid play areas where your child can play and older baby can crawl on less-dirty surfaces. Walk your toddler up and down the airplane aisles. Let him stand on the seat and look around.
• Bring lots of snacks. One day of eating a continual stream of goldfish or your equivalent nutritionally devoid entertaining food is not going to hurt your child, and snacks can ward off some of those mid-flight meltdowns.
• Meltdowns will happen. It's pretty much unavoidable. Your toddler is overtired and stressed and everything is weird, so try to have extra patience and do what you need to do. Sure, you might not normally bribe your way out with 500 goldfish, but these are not the usual circumstances.
• Don't entertain until you actually need to. If your toddler is happy examining the safety card or looking out the window and calling, “Airplane! Airplane!” 200 times, great. Let this continue for as long as possible. Look through the magazines, talk about the airplane slides, play with the window shade.
• Games of “hide the toy,” finger games, songs with actions, and tickle games can all be played in a small space.
• Bring extra clothes for everyone involved.
• If potty training, or recently potty training, put on a pull-up. You really don't want to go through your back up clothes with 20 hours left of travel.
• Put some little kid movies or games on your phone or tablet. Toddlers may not be interested in the movies on the airplane, or they may have trouble seeing the screen.
• If you are traveling with your spouse and the plane has rows of three, choose an aisle and window seat toward the back of the plane. That middle seat will be the last to fill up, so you might have an empty seat, especially helpful with a 23 month old lap child. If it does get filled, nobody in the history of travel has ever minded switching out of a middle seat (also worth trying in a row of four when you have three paid seats).

Flying with a Preschooler
One word: Movies

• Congratulations, you have entered the golden age of movies. This is a big reason why Juliana (5) likes travel so much – getting to watch as many movies as she wants is one of life's great rewards. And again, one day of watching 4 movies in a row is not going to rot anyone's brain.
• Bring extra clothes for everyone involved. Really you should just do this whenever you travel. People throw up. Luggage gets lost. Someone spills an entire cup of coke on your pants. Make the space.
• Bring kid headphones. They are bulky and take up space, but the airplane ones often won't stay on, and my kids hate earbuds.
• Bring snacks. Your kid might love or hate the airplane food and you never know until that particular moment. Something known and loved (aka peanut butter sandwiches) can be a lifesaver.
• Two toys in the hand are worth 10 in the bag. We always pack extra activities and then end up using the two things that are in the diaper bag because they are reachable.
• Print out coloring pages ahead of time. Just search for “absolutely anything + coloring page” and you can find all sorts of custom things your child will enjoy. Put them in a folder and they can also be easily shared among siblings.
• Consider if your family will be split up between multiple rows and pack accordingly. Passing snacks and toys back and forth over seats gets tiring.

For further musings on travel with children, check out "The Wonderful Terrible Adventure"

Linking up with Velvet Ashes: Travel