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| The purple cabbage I used to demonstrate layers of grief |
This month’s calendar is filled with notes of all the people who are leaving. June 12, 17, 18, 25, and 27th. July 3rd, and 5th. Five families and five single will move away for good. One family has lived in China for 25+ years. Another family for 10+ years. Considering the size of our foreign friend group in this city, it is a significant portion. Many others are returning to the US for the summer. This is the month of goodbyes.
This month in our homeschool co-op, I have been teaching emotional intelligence. Last week’s lesson was about loss and saying goodbyes. We talked about what grief can look like, about layers of grief, and about how to deal with grief. I think it is timely for our kids who have had so many goodbyes this year and are getting ready for more.
While we were back in America this past year, our friends still here in our city walked a road of continual goodbyes. The expat community is always fluid (or you could say unstable), but last year was like a mass exodus, triggered by changes in our area. Sometimes our friends had months to prepare for these goodbyes, sometimes weeks or days.
We experienced the grief from afar, through messages and emails and secondhand news. Each new loss seemed like another stab at our hearts. Those friends are leaving too? Will there be anyone left when we return? Our friends were from all over the country and world. We didn’t have the chance to say goodbye, and realistically, we will not see most of them again.
I see the effects of these losses on my children, especially on Juliana. She has had a lot of questions. “Why do they have to leave? Will we see them again? Will my best friend come back to China? Will we have to leave?” During the middle of the “mass exodus,” her 7 year old friend wrote letters to all her friends saying, “I will miss you if I have to leave.” Imagine the grief and uncertainty our kids experience. We can only offer so much reassurance because the future is unsure.
Adalyn doesn't show a lot of sadness at the surface. She is quiet and doesn't cry. She doesn't cry, that is, until her all out meltdowns. These have become more common during these last weeks.
Juliana responds with anger. I have tried to help her understand this – grief doesn’t always look like sadness. She felt so much anger when we returned to China. After goodbyes to all our friends and family in America, and she came back to China to face the reality of all the friends and classmates who were no longer here. Just in the past week, as she prepares for more goodbyes, we have seen this anger reappear. I remind myself be patient when she huffs or yells about the smallest things.
I try to guide her into healthier emotional expression. It usually looks less like, “Dearest daughter, let’s sit down and talk about your feelings” and more like, “JULIANA, stop yelling! Go sit on your bed and write in your journal!” I also need to work on healthy emotional expression. Juliana’s journal is probably full of diatribes against me and her sisters and the unfairness of life...and the friends that she misses.
Goodbyes are a part of everyone’s life. Three of our friends in the US are making major moves this summer to different regions of the US. They are saying goodbyes to family, longtime friends, all the familiar places. They will be experiencing their own “cultural” changes – West Coast to East Coast, South to North, Non-Texas to Texas, which as we all know is a culture unto itself. Our world is so transient.
For our kids, their goodbyes are two-fold. Sometimes they are the ones leaving. They say goodbyes to all their friends and family when they leave the US, both in Georgia and California. They leave friends from church and school and friends they have known since birth. We return to China and the goodbyes continue. Their classmates and playmates, the ones they played with as toddlers, the ones they biked with in the neighborhood courtyard – our kids are now the ones left behind.
They are becoming experts at saying goodbyes, although that doesn’t make it easy. The girls exchange friendship bracelets, cards, and secret handshakes. We say we will Skype, and sometimes it happens.
Later, when we look at the globe, we talk about their friends in this state, in that country, on that continent. The world map above our dining table is not just for geography. Nadia can recognize China and America, our own countries. Adalyn points out California and Georgia. Juliana first finds Norway, home of her best friend in the whole world.
We move on to different parts of America and the world. “See, your friends are moving to Florida. This is Oregon, Kentucky, Alabama...where we visited friends last year. This is Australia, where your past classmates live." Wherever we look, we find friends all over the world.
