The thing about plans is...

One month later finds us ayi-less once again.

Today our ayi told us she didn't want to watch the children (Juliana and our teammate's kids) anymore. There is no such thing as two-week's notice; this morning we heard she was quitting and this afternoon we saw her for the last time. That's just how things work. Everything, it seems, is last minute.

It was a little rocky from the start. We thought our new ayi was doing just fine, but she was not very confident in her child-watching abilities. She was always afraid that something would happen or the kids would get hurt. This was not helped by two kids having some minor bumps-and-blood falls on the same day. In the end, she felt like it was more than she could handle. She was exhausted and she was worrying all the time. It's just as well that things ended now before the kids got too attached. If ayi did not feel comfortable it will be better to find someone else. But still. Juliana had finally gotten used to ayi and stopped crying whenever we left her. I don't want to start this all over again.

This could happen to anyone, anywhere, and frequently does. But sometimes I feel like turnover and instability and ambiguity characterize our lives here. It's only been seven months since we uprooted and moved to this new city with new role, found a new ayi, and settled down. Except there seems to have been a lot less settling that I would have liked. Things are still changing all the time.

When we first came to China, we were told two characteristic phrases we must grasp to live in China: “Tolorate ambiguity” and “plans cannot keep up with change.” These truly have been themes just about every year (month?) of the past seven. You'd think we'd have gotten them down by now, but somehow they always crop up and surprise us once again.

Why do we think that things will stay the same? Why do we still make schedules when we know they will change? Why do we still settle in when we know we will soon move again? Why do we still get thrown off by the unexpected?

The train is three hours late. The bus route unexpectedly changes. Your school tells you, “Oh yes, tomorrow is a holiday.” Your teacher/tutor/student calls a two minutes ahead of time and says, “Sorry, I can't meet.” Your friend shows up at your door just as you were about to go to bed. Your leader tells you, “We will have a banquet and you must come. It's in half an hour.” Your internet/power/water stops working, but it's no big deal because it will work again in a few hours or maybe tomorrow. You go to the hospital and the doctor says you need an IV right away except the one person in charge of IV's has just gone home for the night. Your renter tells you they will move out in two days. Your landlord tells you your building may or may not be demolished soon. Your ayi tells you she can't work for you anymore starting today.

These are all things that don't phase Chinese people because that's just how things work. They don't have to remind themselves that “plans can't keep up with change” because it's already imbedded in their mindset. They don't expect to be in control. It's just we foreigners who have a problem, who still delude ourselves into thinking we can control our own lives.

And you know, I do constantly remind myself that these are the small things. Half of everyone I know is having their world turned upside-down by much more devastating changes. Death of parents. Death of friends. Cancer. Threat to personal safety. Trying to explain loss to your preschooler. Mysterious illness. Injury.

Most Chinese have already made the important realization that they can't control their own lives, but they may not realize their life isn't a whim of chance, governed by fate and more powerful people. It is an intricately woven, delicate web. A careful mixture of pain and loss and joy and gain. The hang-ups, the detours, the dead-ends, the unexpected change of course are all just part of it. Either we fight the whole way, or we accept and wonder at the mystery. And I guess that when we see it in the end, we'll realize that's what makes our our lives look like something beautiful.

Obvious Brilliance

So smart she can already read upside-down

Our friends babysat Juliana the other night. They said they showed her the bookshelf in their office, the bottom shelf filled with children's books. Instead of picking one of those, she chose a Dorothy Sayers book from the upper shelf and sat down at the kids desk with it, then carried it around for a while. I have always suspected brilliance.

Yesterday she said (or at least repeated) her first string of of words. Juliana and I were hiding behind our bedroom curtain and Kevin peered around the edge and said, “I see you!” And Juliana said, “I see you!” Then she repeated it about five times just to make sure we knew she had gotten it.

I think this phrase came easy to her because she has a book called Peekaboo Kisses, where on each page it says, “I see...(open the flap)...fluffy kitten kisses” etc. For a while she was only interested in the squeaky mouse page, which has an actual squeaker inside. But now she brings us the book saying, “I see, I see.” As she opens the flaps and we say “furry puppy kisses,” she bends down gives each animal a big kiss. The last page has a mirror and says, “I see you.” She especially likes that page and gives herself several kisses.

After a period of being far too busy to sit through a book, Juliana has renewed her interest in reading. She still prefers the books that “do” something or involve a song. She can spend a long time opening the flaps on her animals book. She has already rough-handled most of the moving parts out of her Tails book. She imitates the sounds of Wheels on the Bus and Quiet LOUD. She tries to sing along to Jesus Loves Me. In boring books that just have pictures, she flips through the pages as fast as possible.

The past few days she also loves to look at her baby book. She points at the top shelf where I keep it out of harm's way and tries to say “book,” which is some kind of word with a resemblance of the “b” sound. She leafs through the pages saying, “Baby. Baby. Baby. Mama. Da-di. Baby!”

In a final sign of good taste, she loves I'll Give You Kisses (formerly Smile for Auntie), my favorite baby book, in which an overbearing aunt tries everything she can think of to get the baby to smile, but the baby won't smile until he finally drives the aunt away. Classic. Juliana is already working up the perfect mix of brilliance and twisted humor.

Pausing to pose with her toys

Quasi-Married

When my good friend from Yangzhou sent an email saying she was married, I thought, “What??” She had told me months ago that she had broken up with her boyfriend, and though we had talked several times since then, she never mentioned getting back together with him or that she was thinking about getting married. It's funny the things Chinese people sometimes don't tell you. In her email, my friend said she wanted to explain it all but thought it would be hard over the phone. Besides, she was only “technically” married.

In China there are two phases to getting married. The first is the legal marriage, getting the actual wedding certificate. The second is the big ceremony/banquet celebrating the wedding. These two events can take place close together or may be months, sometimes even years apart.  The families must find an auspicious day for the celebration, based on the birthdays of the bride and groom, and sometimes must save money for the elaborate banquet.

When I talked to my friend a few days later, she said the wedding celebration is more important and when people are socially considered to be married. Therefore, she celebrated this Spring Festival with her family instead of her husband's. Once a woman is married, she is considered to have joined her husband's family. While this doesn't have all the ramifications of the past, it does mean that she will spend holidays with her husband's family.

One of our tutors got married last year and this was her first year to spend Spring Festival with her husband's family. Since her own family lives elsewhere and she doesn't get to see them often, she was missing them. She was glad to see her husband, however, because he lives in Beijing, 700 miles away. Even though they have been married for a year, they only see each other every few months. The last time she went to spend the weekend with him, as soon as they met up in the train station he was called away for work, so she didn't get to see him after all. Once my tutor finishes graduate school in a year and a half, she will move to join her husband.

My Yangzhou friend is hoping to find a job in the same town as her husband, but she's not sure if it will happen. Right now, her quasi-husband comes to visit her most weekends. He and another man he works with make the several hour drive together to see their wives. My friend is a high-school teacher, however, which means she is incredibly busy and barely has time to see her husband when he's there.  In addition to teaching classes and overseeing study times, she is responsible for a group of boarding students.  She often works from 7am-10pm with a brief mid-day rest.  She told me that next month she will be even busier than before. Her students are studying for exams so they will only be allowed to go home once a month. Thus she will also have only one day off a month.

She was originally thinking of having the wedding ceremony this summer, but now she said it will probably be next New Years. “I can't even find time to take the pre-wedding pictures!” she said. She is hoping that once they are married-married, they will be able to live in the same city.

Plus 1 Giant Toy, Minus 1 A-yi

A-yi introduces Juliana to her new motor toy

The afternoon we returned from Thailand our a-yi (babysitter) came by to see Juliana. Obviously she had missed Juliana during our three weeks away, and while Juliana didn't come running and squealing like usual, she was excited to see her a-yi as well. A-yi came in the door out of breath, not just from climbing to the sixth floor but from climbing to the sixth floor carrying a very large motorized riding car toy, her very large present for Juliana.

Gift giving is definitely an important part of Chinese culture. You bring fruit or flowers when visiting someone's home. You bring back small trinkets or a local “specialty” from traveling (something we totally forgot about this year in Thailand). At Mid-Autumn Day, you exchange moon-cakes with practically everyone you know. As teachers, our school would always give us a Christmas/New Years gift, and our students would give us presents at the end of the year. Lots of gifting going on. But usually the gifts are pretty small, a couple of dollars worth of fruit, not a fancy toy that probably cost $50. So we felt a little awkward about this gift and wondered what was behind it.

Juliana had no such hesitation. Who cares about the reason; she just got a giant new toy! She climbed up on the seat (backwards), played with the moveable armrests, opened the storage box to examine the instruction packet and wall charger, fiddled with the handle bars (I guess it's actually a giant motorbike), and of course, pushed the buttons that made the very loud noises.

Climbing on the car (backwards)

One button made car noises, an endless grinding turn-over sound, like a car that may or may not start. A loud horn. And of course, a button that plays loud, barely identifiable children's songs. Juliana loves it. She was excited to hear the ABC song, probably her current favorite, right up with Old MacDonald. It wasn't until a few days later I realized that while the first part of the song is fine, once it gets to “O-L-N-O-M,” it's all downhill from there.

The car also has a little foot petal to activate the motor and made a little jump forward whenever Juliana accidentally stepped on it. The car even has a little seatbelt! Amazing. But did I mention that it's very large? It's really an outside toy. And we live on the sixth floor. The thought of carrying Juliana and a very large toy car down and back up all those stairs didn't really make me happy.

But she had the car, and I figured I'd better let her use it, so the next day I hauled it downstairs for her. I strapped her nicely in and showed her how to push the motor petal...and all she wanted to do was get out and run around. I thought, “I carried this all the way downstairs, darn it! Enough with your exercise – play with the toy! Play with the toy!” And then I let her run around because of course it was ridiculous. I called Kevin to come down and pick up the toy, and Juliana spent the next thirty minute happily wandering around on her own two feet.

The car was moved out to the laundry porch for storage, our catch all for objects we don't really know what to do with, and there I discovered its good use: occupying Juliana while I hang up laundry. She plays with her toy instead of trying to eat lead paint chips and I get the laundry up; a win-win situation.

Finding just the right persona

A few days later we discovered the reason (or at least part of the reason) behind this over-the-top gift; a-yi and her husband started their own business, so she won't be able to watch Juliana anymore. In typical indirect fashion, she didn't mention anything about this when she was with us; it only came out through our teammate's prodding.

So now we begin the semester a-yi-less. We are really sad to lose our old a-yi because she and Juliana loved each other. The first week Juliana cried when I left her; thereafter she cried when a-yi left. It's going to be hard to find someone else who connects so well with Juliana. But find someone we must, if we are going to be able to start meeting with tutors again, an intrigal part of our language learning. And that car is just not going to do a lot of babysitting for us.

 

Silencing the airport noise

by Kevin

After a few bad experiences with poorly designed Chinese airports, last week we finally found something good about one of the worst. Flying through the Guangzhou airport -- where you often have to leave the secure area and run completely across the airport if connecting from a domestic to international flight -- we discovered the nursery.


We arrived from Bankok with almost four hours to kill until our next flight (we had just missed the cutoff to use a special "layover lounge" offered for those with layovers of more than four hours). We weren't looking forward to the prospect of trying to entertain Juliana for that entire time. Just yesterday, Juliana kept an entire crowd of waiting passengers entertained as she threw her little ball across the floor and chased it, tossing out gleeful squeals of delight or  "ut ohs" with every toss. Then I spent some time trying to divert her from the trash can and evoking pained screams when I blockaded her from following mommy into the dingy bathroom. By the time we got onto the plane, we were probably more tired than she was.


So, at the Guangzhou airport, when I noted the nearly empty baby nursery, I figured it was worth a try. Ruth seemed apprenhesive: "do you think they would just let us hang out in there?"


The answer is yes.


When we walked into the carpeted room, which is lined on three sides with 18 comfy plush chairs--the kind airports only supply in some posh first-class lounge--a pair of Chinese grandparents were changing their newborn granddaughter's diaper while her baby's parents quietly looked on. The restrooms were spotless -- better than anything I've ever seen in a public place in China.




And in another corner of the room, an airport employee had pulled a chair cushion onto an armrest, propped up a newspaper, and settled in for at least an hourlong xiuxi in spite of the noisy squelches eminating from her walklie-talkie every few minutes.


We fed Juliana some yogurt and she excitedly imitated the newborn's coos. When the family and walkie-talkie toting napper left, we decided to close the doors  and try giving Juliana a nap.


It was like shoving cottin into our weary ears. Immediately, the hustle and bustle of the airport was muffled. Flight announcements disappeared, squeaking luggage wheels faded. We were left with near silence.


Within a few minutes of rocking her in my arms, Juliana was asleep. And Ruth closed her eyes to rest. For a good 20 minutes, the silence remained.
Until another airport worker arrived. Pushing a wheelchair-bound passenger, she thrust the doors wide. Airport noise rushed in like water from behind a dam. Seemilngly oblivious to the napping baby in my arms, she made no attempt to quiet her walkie-talkie, which blared incessantly while she smugly clanked tea cups and scrawled something into a log book. I scoweled at her and scrambled to turn on Juliana's white noise ocean sounds to drown out the clatter. Thankfully, she kept on sleeping. Then, as suddenly as she arrived, the worker hurriedly left the nursery, leaving the doors ajar.


Ruth got up and shut them and the quiet returned. Ten minutes later she returned, now with three young children in tow.She again propped the doors wide. I scowled and again worked to drown out the noise, which clung to her like a shadow. When she left, Ruth again shut the doors. But again she returned ten minutes later and again she smugly propped the doors wide and sat down to sip her tea and chat with another airport employee who had come in moments before.


Soon, a mother with an infant wrapped in several layers of thick clothing joined us. Juliana finally succumbed to the clammor and woke up, but boarding time was approaching, so it was OK. As I changed her daiper, the doors stood open.
But everything changed the moment the Chinese mother started peeling away the layers of her child's clothing. Suddenly, the smug door-flinger-opener became concerned about a draft coming into the room. "The baby will catch a cold," she exclaimed as she hurried to close the doors. Again the room grew quiet as we walked to the gate to begin boarding our plane. Still, I think it was the quietest place we've ever found in an airport -- certainly the first time since Juliana hit six months that she's taken a decent nap in one.

Juliana's Travelogue: Episode 16-23

Juliana is an expert unpacker

 The good thing about traveling with a toddler is that the world is their playground. Juliana loves airports; she can spend hours running around, banging on chairs, and climbing stairs and ramps. At each new hotel room she is excited to find another phone, another fridge right at her level, and more tiny spaces under furniture to shove her toys into. At our last place on the ground floor, Juliana took great joy in walking out the patio door right outside! A nice change from six floors up.

Enjoying the playground with mama and aunt Melissa

In many ways, though, traveling with a toddler is difficult. I'm not a strict schedule person, but I do think toddlers benefit from a good deal of routine, consistency, and predictability, none of which are abundant in travel. Some days she was already waking up from her nap at 2pm; other days she wasn't getting to sleep until 3pm. Some days she ate dinner at 5pm and other nights we didn't get to eat until 7pm, pushing back bedtime extra late too. Some days she had no problem with a flexible schedule; other days it made for quite a crabby baby. And this time we didn't even have to factor in jetlag!

A nap on the go

Juliana also developed a lot of less than ideal habits while traveling. She has reverted back to only falling asleep while being held. She has discovered a love for hotdogs. When she started flipping out on an airplane or in a restaurant, she got to watch Baby Einstein on Kevin's phone. She used her pacifier about twice as much as normal. She ate a ridiculous amount of crackers. She scratched me a lot. [Juliana doesn't have a security object; instead she has a security action – picking at/running her fingers over my skin. When she is tired or feeling insecure, she starts picking at me. Unfortunately if I don't keep her nails good and trimmed I end up getting scratched.]

Finally something I love to eat!

The long days of flights and airports are tiring but the weeks away from home were also starting to wear on Juliana. By the end she started getting extra fussy, even needing extra naps. She wanted to be touching me 90% of her waking hours, and if she was as far as 2 feet away she would pitifully cry, “Mumm-ma! Mumm-maaaa!” At home, Juliana squeals impatiently and grabs her hat when anyone mentions going outside. While traveling, on the other hand, she was excited whenever we got back to our room. Oh, and did I mention that the entire time she was working on two painful molars? I've always heard that molars are difficult, but I didn't realize they took so long to come in! Poor baby.

Cuddling with mama on a trek across town

Despite all that, Juliana mostly enjoyed the travels. She got to charm hundreds of new people and play peek-a-boo with strangers on the plane. She got to ride an elephant and discovered their mutual love of bananas. She even took a nice nap while swaying along atop a lumbering elephant. She played with her aunt Melissa, who taught her important life lessons like how to climb up a slide. She went swimming and sliding and walked barefoot in the grass. She got to have bare arms and legs for three whole weeks. She played with other kids and went outside every day. She took her 16-23^rd flights. Quite a lot of activity for a seventeen month old!

Taking a ride atop a 4 ton elephant. (She's inside the carrier getting in a nice little nap).

Juliana goes for her first walk in the snow

by Kevin

It snowed a few days ago here, so Juliana had her first chance to walk in (a little bit of) snow. Enjoy...

Me, Juliana and 1000 Other People

Today I went to the supermarket, which is not interesting in itself except that it is 4 days before Spring Festival/Chinese New Year. So it's kind of like going to the mall 4 days before Christmas, except the people are all Chinese and there's a thousand more of them. I'm terrible at numbers estimation, but the store is packed. I would say a thousand is a conservative estimate. There are probably a couple hundred just in the produce/meat section. I knew it would be pretty crazy, so I decided to bring Juliana along. She's been cooped up in the house too much, and she enjoys crowds more than I do.

Outside the weather is actually starting to get warmer already. It's probably high 20's (F). Balmy. Juliana and I walk to the supermarket because it is just around the corner, not more than 10 minutes away. Well, technically she walks the first 100 yards and then I push her in the stroller. Outside the store, rows of sellers are lined up with tables covered in colorful fireworks boxes.

People are already buying up fireworks and “testing” them every day in preparation for The Mother Of All Fireworks Days. This is nothing like the 4^th of July or New Years in America. China is serious about its fireworks.

Usually I check the stroller and transfer Juliana to a cart, but today I decide to stick with the stroller and a basket, since I don't have much to buy. It's a good decision as all the carts are already taken. I see a lot of laden carts but don't actually pay much attention to what everyone is buying. I am too occupied with trying to maneuver the stroller through the crowds. Juliana gets lots of extra attention, questions, and touches. The store seems to be manned with about a hundred extra workers offering samples and hawking their goods; each aisle seems to have at least two of them.

I don't have much to buy but by the time I get to the checkout (all the lanes are open and the lines are full), Juliana is getting antsy. Several people try to cut in front of me and I give them the old “basket to the side.” I am unwilling to give an inch, pushing the stroller up to about 3mm from the lady's feet in front of us. When I first came to China I was disturbed by all the pushing and people standing 3cm from me in line. I have since learned if there is more than 6 in between you and the person in front of you, it is grounds for someone to break in front of you. I have also become adept at pushing.

Juliana starts fussing, not outright wailing, but definitely making her impatience known. Instead of giving dirty looks, the people around try to distract her; they hate to see a child upset, especially a cute foreign one. The family ahead of us tells me to go in front of them since the baby is tired. I am very appreciative. People in this country a great about children.

We break free of the store and head back home, managing to avoid being hit by anything as we forge our way across the streets. I really am more careful when I'm with Juliana, but really, everyone stands in the middle of the road. Home again, home again: no more shopping again until after the holiday!

16 Month Update

Lately at seems like Juliana has been growing by leaps and bounds. Sometimes literally! When she turned one it was hard to realize she wasn't technically a baby anymore, but now she has entered toddler-hood full force. Here are some of the phenomenal and amusing things she is doing lately:

So silly!

*Crawling is a thing of the past; Juliana walks expertly inside and out, although she has not yet mastered our six flights of stairs. Maybe next month. Walking has granted her tremendous speed, something she has found particularly useful when sneaking into places where she's not supposed to be. I open the door to the kitchen or bathroom and .237 seconds later she magically appears behind me. Usually with a mischievous grin.

All bundled up for a walk

*Juliana is still as social as ever, although she has gotten more suspicious of strangers, particularly if they aren't Chinese. She gets super excited to be around other kids and she prefers interaction about 99% of her waking hours.

*I definitely appreciate Juliana's zest for life, although I don't always enjoy the way it is sometimes expressed: a very loud, very high pitched squeal. The more excited and/or tired she is, the higher pitched the squeal. She gets soo excited about things. And by things I really mean people.

*In the past couple of weeks, Juliana has been adding a new word almost every day. Her most recent additions are Jesus (how very spiritual), trash (I really don't know why), night-night, and meow. A few times she has also said “xie-xie” (Chinese for thank you) and once she very clearly said “qu wan'r” (play outside). She also says long sentences of full gibberish, and she likes to whisper secrets in her own special code language.

*Juliana has been having a marvelous time with all the new toys from Grandpa and Yaya. In top place are a cat piano and a ride-on train. She can play the cat piano with several different sounds (organ, banjo, cat meows), she can choose her own dance rhythm (her favorite is disco), and she can also play various pre-recorded melodies. Wait till she discovers the microphone and volume control button!! When not enjoying train rides around the apartment, Juliana enjoys storing toys in its seat-compartment, pushing it around, attempting to stand on the seat, and naturally – pushing buttons and pulling levers to play even more music!

Multitasking at play: Juliana likes to sit on her train AND play her cat piano

*Grandpa and Yaya were just here for a cut-short one week visit. Juliana was very happy to have extra play pals. They built block towers, played “dig through the suitcases,” indulged in lots of tickles, and of course played lots of music. Juliana quickly learned to yell, “YA-YA!!” whenever Grandma left the room. She also learned grandparents just can't resist her charming smile and oh-so-innocent pleading eyes.

*Grandma Yaya declared Juliana to be the “dancingest” baby she's ever seen. Juliana loves to dance. Any time she hears a snatch of music (which is about 50 times a day) she starts waving her arms around, bobbing her head, and strutting around. It's funny every time. She also has an amazing sense of rhythm.

Block feet (for Grandma too!)

*Juliana has been sleeping through the night about half of the time, on average. She will do great for a while and then she'll start teething again or get sick and it totally throws her off! Lately she has still been taking a morning nap (with some persuasion) but she usually thinks she doesn't need it any more.

*When she gets upset (usually because she is overtired or hungry) sometimes she will wail pathetically, sneak a peek to make sure someone is looking, and then sprawl on the ground, banging her head just gently enough that it doesn't hurt. It's so hard not to laugh! I think we are going to have a big drama queen on hands.

*Usually Juliana still eats a large variety of foods: rice, cheese, tofu, eggs, fish brains... She has started to have some picky days when she just decides she doesn't like her previous favorite foods. I try to remember to be relaxed about it and realize that over a few days or a week, she really does get the food she needs, and when she's not eating, she usually has a reason.

*For all of her energy and enthusiasm, there are times when Juliana will focus in and work on something for 15 or 20 minutes: building with blocks, putting anything into containers. Her fine motor skills have improved a ton and sometimes I'm amazed by how adept she is at small tasks.

Practicing with the block sorter

*Our apartment has a lot of mirrors built into the walls and furniture, and Juliana loves to look at the baby in the mirror. She likes to watch her play and they often exchange friendly waves and kisses.

*Juliana learned to say “Jesus”from her “Jesus Loves Me” book I often read/sing to her at night. Lately she has tried to sing along! She also loves the songs “Old MacDonald” and “Pop Goes the Weasel,” where she adds her own “e-i-e-i-o” and “pop!” respectively.

The cardboard box: Still Juliana's favorite way to travel

*When Juliana turns 16 months (on the 19th), it will be the first time her number of flights (15) will be less than the months of her life.  That will last for a full four days before we take our next flight.  We'll be adding 8 more flights in the next month, so she may never catch up again!

Happy New Years!

I've been hearing some half-hearted fireworks going off in the distance and being a little slow, it took me a while to realize they actually have a legitimate reason for shooting them off. Legitimate in my mind, I mean; I am sure all the normal fireworks have some kind of legitimate reason.

“We're getting married!”

“We're building a new building and want to scare off the evil spirits!”

“We're opening a new restaurant and want everyone to know it's a happening place!”

“It's some kind of holiday!”

“It's the day after the holiday and I have fireworks left over!”

“It's Tuesday!”

But even though I have been preparing for our New Years Eve potluck tonight, I rather forgot it was New Years Eve. Besides, I'm not used to celebrating the same holidays as Chinese people. (Chinese New Year, January 23 this year, is a much bigger deal, but they still celebrate the solar calendar New Year too.)

I think 2012 will be a good year. After all, it's a nicely proportional even number, unlike those tricky, unstable odd ones. To celebrate, I plan to stay up until at least midnight Guam time (aka. 10pm).

Happy New Years, wherever you are!